My First Time

Yesterday was my first time saying goodbye to children I love. My future testimony, future linebacker, future doctor, and future housewife said goodbye. Yesterday I merged humor with sadness and busted out my laugh cry. I didn’t even get to mourn the dismissal of my children for too long.

Today, I am in Dallas visiting my sister. I got one hour to mourn on the plane ride here. It wasn’t intentional. I was listening to music on my MP3, and Because We Are came on. I felt the tears on my nose. I miss my little linebacker. He has so much of my affections. How do you explain to a little one that you will not be tucking them into bed tonight? We told him before he left, but he didn’t understand. It wasn’t until he was already in a car seat that he realized what was happening. As the light on the interior of the car dimmed, I saw my future linebacker’s little hand attempting to reach out to me through the window and the face of a confused and scared child.

I hope he doesn’t hate me. I hope none of them hate us. We loved them so much. We put so much of energy into them. We ran ourselves ragged. When we were ragged; we ran until exhaustion. When exhausted, we ran until we obliterated ourselves. Self-care went out of the window. My heart is not broken as much as it is confused and tired. My emotions are scattered.

Now to do it all over again.

God be with those children. Wherever they go allow them to remember with us they were not only loved, but loved well. Let those moments of sheer exuberance with us carry them through the trials they will face in life. Allow them to be comforted by every lullaby, every smile, every rocking, every meal. Let them know what a functional family and bless them to have a function family in their adult years.

Be with my future doctor (or lawyer). Thank you for my time with her. Thank you for the compassion and sense of justice you placed in her. Help her to remember the Jesus song and when she is fearful, sing that song to calm her spirit. Comfort her broken heart. Bless her broken heart. Heal her broken heart.

Be with my future housewife. Build character alongside her beauty. Thank you for the peace and joy in her little heart. Allow her to be a beacon of joy to those in sorrow and a pillar of joy to those who mourn. Give her not a physical strength, but a moral strength to do what is right. Give her an unshakable standard.

Be with my future testimony. Truthfully, allow his life to be a testimony of what compassion can do. Allow him to find healing. Protect him from external physical harm and from internal condemnation for his life. Thank you those quiet moments with him, especially last Saturday. Thank you for allowing me to see that he is not bad, he has all the potential to be an astounding human being.

Be with my future linebacker. Riddle his heart with compassion for those who are small and defenseless. Allow him to forgive and to love. Thank you for the dinners smeared on my arm. Thank you for the “Ove oooh”s. Thank you for the doctor’s visit where I fell completely in love with him.

God thank you for my first time. 

Amen

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