Do NOT have kids if you are looking for something to build your confidence. Children, unintentionally, have a way of shattering the confidence you have in yourself. Bless their precious little hearts though. I realized this when “Est. October 2012” was crying. I held him and rocked him and stood with him and sat with him. Nothing, his cry was as relentless as a hurricane in the middle of the Pacific. His wails increased with time. I refused to let him go without calming him down. After 30ish minutes (times always moves slower when a baby is crying), I admitted defeat and handed him to L.L. For the sake of my confidence, I wish he had cried at least for five minutes before he calmed. No, 5 seconds in her arms and he was at peace.
All I could do is swing my head down. I am known for my histrionics in the house, but genuinely I was hurt. As a parent of any sorts, there is an assumption that when your child needs comfort, you are the best resource. You know them better. You care for them more. You look out for them more. You love them more. I know I love all the children I have. All the women I work with feel the same way about our kids. Perhaps, it is not my confidence, but my pride that wants me to be the ideal foster parent.
Here I am teary-eyed and humbled. I just learned that even with all the love I have for my kids, I may not be the best person for them. It hurts, because it feels so personal. I know it isn’t. It is selfish to think that way. These kids have been through hell and high water. They have all the right to choose.
God, forgive me of my pride. Everyday humble me. I am not the ideal foster parent, but I am Yours. For each child mold me and make me into the caretaker I need to be. Where I am not the one who should care for a child in my home, please allow my to step aside immediately for the benefit of the child. Allow me to love these children, with the love You have for children, with the love You have for me, with the love my mother has shown to me. I love them.