Truth time: I haven’t been to church in over a month. I have watched Buckhead Church’s services online, but I haven’t walking into a service and sat down in over a month.
I wonder if God is disappointed in me? I have no need to wonder. I am sure he is. How can I consider doing God’s work without God? My Bible lay collecting dust the same as my spirit.
Christian foster parents, how do you do it? Parenting is exhausting. Spiritually, I am exhausted. I look at my life and my Christian walk and I am ashamed. I am not ashamed of Christ, but I am ashamed of myself. I don’t think God would look on me with pride. All, I want to do is make God proud, but I am finding it challenging to do in such a new and uncharted environment.
I have contemplated seminary after my year in Houston. I ask myself, “What type of example would I be not attending church for so long?” What seminary would accept that? The good I am doing is meaningful, but I feel as if it is incomplete. I then look into my future and it reminds me of the blind man of Bethesda in Mark 8:24.
“I see people; they look like trees walking around”
I know there is a future in place, but it is all so unclear to me. I left few meaningful things in Atlanta. My family is there. My best friend is there. My purpose cannot be left there as well. My relationship with God cannot be left their either. My Christ-given purpose is with me. My God is with me. My God is with me. That is the truth that I have to stand upon. God is not found in my feelings and emotions. God is not confined by my fluctuations in emotions and behaviors. God is with me. It has to become a statement in my mind that never changes.
Ugh, I have not simply been a bad disciple by not attending church. I have been a bad disciple, by not utilizing everything I have been taught and all I know. My relationship with God has been a slow, rapid journey. I have had to stand through hurricanes of personal torment. I have fallen at God’s feet in exhaustion. I ran from Him, and ran to Him. I am a disciple. I am His and He is mine.
There are moments where blogging transcends documentation and becomes cathartic and in this instance prayerful and worship-filled. The Holy Spirit entered the room and reminded me there is no place that is too far for God to be with me. Christ is not solely in the church. He abides in me, with the Holy Spirit at my perpetual usage. God is with me. Like, the sky is blue. Like dogs bark. Like the sun will rise in the morn. God. Is. With. Me. Nothing can alter that truth. No changing of presidents. No war. No distance from home. No power in hell. No scheme of man. No mistake. No fear. Nothing changes that.
What an extravagantly wondrous and astounding Lord, I love. You are perfect in every way, yet still every day I am amazed and humbled by Your unprecedented unending love and compassion for me. You train me to be You soldier, yet still love me so dearly as Your child. Though, I am insubordinate (as a soldier and a daughter) You discipline and forgive me for my good. When, I am far away You are still close enough to run towards. I am not merely an object of Your affections. I am the target of Your love. I refuse to live in my personal condemnation. I take captive my thought and surrender this year to You. I do not know what is to come. However, I know that You know, and that is enough. Remind me that my life is Yours. Help me live in Your light and in Your Word. God, I devote the early morning to studying and learning more of You. Aid me in finding a church home, but until I find one allow my personal time with You in the morning be a glimpse of Heaven. Where You glory reigns down and I am overcome with desire to worship You. Be with me more. You are my hope. You are with me. You are mine.
I love You.