It didn’t really feel like Thanksgiving today. I didn’t really feel like giving thanks today. I am thankful and everything. It is just hard to be so far from family during this season. I love my kids. I really do love them, but they don’t really feel like my family. None of them are old enough to comprehend the holiday season anyway or family for that matter. With our younger ones, I wonder if they think we are family or just friendly familiar faces.
I just don’t even know. Perhaps, Christmas will be better. Honestly, all I want to do is just get out of the house. I don’t know where I want to go. Perhaps coffee or a walk? I just want to for a minute remove myself from this life. I don’t feel like anything around me is very real. I go back home in a month and a week. I am not overly excited to return. I am glad to see my family. I miss my mom and sister and brother. They literally are my favorite people in the world. It scares me that their lives still go on in my absence. It is hard to feel important when life occurs without you. In the same sense, my life is going on without them. I am not excited to be reminded of my severed friendships. There are friends, that I want to want to see me. There are friends who I want to move mountains to have a coffee with me. That is how I value their friendship, but that is not the way they see me…and I have to get over it.
This is the first time since I moved that I wish I was home. Then, I think of my kids. I bet they wish they weren’t here too. Not because it is Thanksgiving or Christmas, but because I am not their mom. I am someone they will forget once they leave. I am someone who loves them and tried to take care of them, but will eventually fade from their memory. I don’t want to fade. The hardest part of this job is not the day-to-day, it is reminding yourself how you have no control over these children. It is remembering that no matter how terrible the situation that brought them to you (and I promise you it is heart wrenching) these children still love their mommies and daddies more than you. There will come a time where my life and my child’s life will separate and they will never meet again.
As much work as they were, I wish my future kids were here. I loved them so much. I still feel like I mourn over them. I think of my future linebacker and future doctor all the time. I stare at their photos in my room and wish they were mine. I wish our lives could have intersected when I was able to care for them in my home. However, I do not regret for a moment knowing them. One day, I want my kids to be like them. I want their spirit to shine like theirs. I wish I could have sat around the table with them. More than anything, I wish I that I knew they were okay. I wish I could hug them and tell them, “I love you.” I love them. I love them. I would do anything to see them again.
And with a great relief of breath, she knew that most of her words had come out.