For the past three months, I have struggled to confront a former friend of a mindless indiscretion surrounding a birthday party. Which all in all makes me question the nature of my collegiate friendships.
I think for most of college I was pretty lonely. I had friends I think. I was an Orientation Leader, which puts you in the spotlight. The girls I roomed with that summer quickly became who I considered my college friends…well plus one minus one. However, as I began to prepare to lay in bed I realized the nature of those relationships were based on an improper assumption. I believe that their view of me was much lesser than I view I had of myself. Maybe since I’ve moved, my view has adjusted.
Since, I graduated in May I began resenting my time in college. The same way I resented my time in high school when I graduated, but I don’t really resent that time. I don’t resent the people I knew there. I don’t resent the relationships that I had. Notice the past tense. I have avoided asking K about the birthday incident because I wanted to spare our friendship, but what sort of friendship do we have? An insignificant one. We are not entirely necessary to one another anymore.
Yet, I am still grateful for that summer with her. She is still one of the most beautiful people I know who constantly is selling herself for much lesser than her real value. She is smart and hilarious and defensively strong. She was a dear friend; I have mourned the loss between us. Nevertheless, I am going to must my courage and ask. She owes me an answer.