Overnight Personal Dialogues

It is quiet in my house tonight. It is in these moments I believe that I am my most emotional and my most clear. This post is merely a dialogue in my mind, between my soul (who I am) and my spirit (who I am in Christ).

I wonder what the Bible says about friendships? This is a completely rhetorical question of course. Due to the functional nature of Google I could type this question and receive an answer in .002 seconds. However, what does the Bible say about friendships. Amidst navigating my way around a landmine of relationships. I have never considered doing an in-depth study about what the Bible says about friendships. I confronted the girl I mentioned in my earlier post. Except it was less of a confrontation and more like a little girl asking why she wasn’t invited to the party. I thought I was okay with the answer, but I wasn’t. I don’t feel better about the situation.

Here in Texas, God and I have been in the most interesting place in our relationship thus far. I haven’t intentionally stopped my Bible study. As a parent I am just overwhelmed. Me and God are not on a hiatus…not really in a rut. We (totally me) are working on my commitment issues. I am terrible at human relationships. I really need to refocus my priorities while I am here. I belive with all my heart is I pursued the affections of the God I believed in, like I pursued the affections of the earthly father who could care less about me, or the guy that I threw myself at who could care less, or this birthday girl who didn’t invite me, I would be much more at peace.

I think that is what bothers me the most about the birthday situation. It bothers me that what I feel guys do to me girls do to me as well. It is all very demeaning. Because I am allowing myself to be disrespected constantly.

I don’t know what is becoming of me. In Atlanta, I was the most conflict avoidant person I have ever met. I lived at peace with almost every. I never tried to stir up trouble with people. I encouraged people even when I felt demeaned. I was forgiving, but I think I had an improper definition of forgiveness. I think forgiveness meant shoving the pain dealt to me as far down as possible, and not showing any hint of offense, but it doesn’t. It never does. Noted Biblical counselor, June Hunt writes an amazing book on forgiveness called “How to Forgive When You Don’t Feel Like It”. Hunt states,

Forgiveness is taking someone off your hook and putting them onto God’s hook. It DOES NOT negate them from the consequences of their actions.

Phenomenal book! I recommend it to everyone who is working on forgiving someone. I just wonder if the consequences are one natural law carries out (if you murder someone, you go to jail), I carry out, or God carries out. I am sure it is the first and last. What consequences can I deal out that are not riddled with vengeance. Anything I do would simply be to hurt someone.

God search my heart. Wash my intentions. Forgive my sins. Remind me everyday that we are all fallen; we are all blemished; we are all unclean. When the pride of offense rises in my heart, remind me of Your compassion for me. Allow Your compassion to humble me. You have grown me so much, but never let me forget how far You have brought me and how much farther You need to take me. God, I adore You. Please know that in these overnight shifts You are here with me. You remain constantly on my mind and in my spirit. Be with me as I observe advent this year. Remind me daily of Christ’s coming.

Amen.

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