Today I got my first look. This is not a look in a positive sense it was the first time that a coworker gave me a look that said, “Ugh, Christian”. It pierced my heart like a hornets sting. There are several identities I hold. I am a daughter, a Nigerian, a Black American, a young adult. I joke about all these roles, but there is none that I hold in more esteem than my faith. I am a disciple of Christ, child of God, and guided by the Holy Spirit.
Me and a L.L went to Half Priced Books. While, we were there we both perused books. I left with three books on sex and relationships in a Christian context. She left with three books based on the Showtime series, Dexter and the first season of the series Supernatural. We joked about the differences in our choices. Then went home. The three other women I worked with asked about our books. She agnostic I believe, she reveled in Dexter. When, I proudly showed her my selections. She gave me the look of judgement and disagreeably stated, “Well, I am not the one reading them.”
I felt so little in that moment. I attempted to grin through it; I realized I could not hold the weight of humiliation. So I left. Amid Christmas decorating, I couldn’t handle it. I walked up to my room with a fake smile on my face a began typing. All, I feel like doing is hiding.
I do not joke about my beliefs. I take them seriously. My walk with God – while it is not ideal at the moment – is paramount and fundamental to my entire existence on this earth. After this year as a foster parent, I am pursuing seminary as a logical vocational step. I plan on dedicating my career to the passionate pursuit of Christ. I just felt judged. I feel judged. I am judged. This is the first time I have ever felt judged for what I believe. It is in this moment I realize that what I believe is so entirely counter-cultural. Christ was so clear about how we would be judged. I just didn’t know it would hurt so entirely bad.
I am sure she never meant for it to offend, but it did.
All, I feel I can do now is hang my head in sadness. I was so naive and foolish. She is not my enemy, but she is not my sister in Christ. I cannot expect her to understand, until she understands the majesty of the glory of God. It is my job to be an ambassador, and I will.