I met with the admissions counselor Dallas Theological Seminary – Houston last week. It was my first college visit, ever. When I applied to Georgia State and Kennesaw State, I had actually never visited the campuses. I chose pretty blindly. I don’t have that luxury with graduate school/seminary.
I have requested “more information” on the programs at my number 1, 2, and 4 school. There is now a sizable stack of application information piling up on my nightstand, all unopened. I am apprehensive in opening them. These obviously don’t determine whether I get in. It is only more information about programs.
If I were completely honest, seminary is possibly the most frightening thing I have considered doing, even considering moving to Texas on my own. Seminary really does overwhelm me. It is not the academics of it. I love school. I love studying. I love knowledge. I love information. Writing my emotions plainly, I can nervous for two reasons. Seminary will take my relationship with God to an intense place. I lean on Him for a lot: security, peace, safety, knowledge, love, strength, courage, life, and more. I love God with all my heart, and seminary will push me to love Him will all my mind. That is both beautiful and intimidating. I just cannot fathom what I will learn and what obstacles could come my way in the years I am in seminary, that shove me at the throne of God. I, also, don’t know what God will have me do next. Through many prayers, intercession, and the Holy Spirit, I do have some idea of what God wants me to do with my life. I don’t know how exactly that will come to be, but I want to do it. I feel like God is telling me what to do and I am looking at Him willingly and fearfully saying, “I will do it, but I am scared”.
“God, who am I that you are mindful of me”?
God, I know I jest about who I am, but I, seriously, don’t know why you give a hoot about me? Your concern for me, is all the more reason to love You.
God, I acknowledge that I am weak. I recognize that I am fearful. I am completely weak, and feel completely helpless in this situations, but You said in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, that “When I am weak then I am strong”. I am only strong, because Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. I am leaning on that word, I am dwelling in that word, I am abiding in that word. Because these are not my words. They are YOUR WORDS. You also said, in Psalm 139: 9-10, that, “If I rise on the wings of the dawn or settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me”. Again Lord, YOUR WORDS. So, guide me and where I am fearful give me courage to do Your will because the desire is there.
God, I just love You. Seriously, just like stupid grin, smiling for no reason, love you through joys and tragedies, love You.