God sometimes I just obsess over things. I want to badly to live humbly, but find myself caught in a wretched amount of pride. I am nothing. I really am nothing. I accept that. This world is deeper than our knowledge of the ocean. It is greater than the limited amount of information Google and retrieve. I see people who are more brilliant, more beautiful, more talented, more humble, more affectionate, more kind, more amicable, more Christ-like, more empathetic. I see people who are more than me. They are doing more than me. They are aiding more than me. I wonder why You thought of me. How could you have known me before I entered my mother’s womb…and still care to allow me to happen?
Jesus did you REALLY think of me on the cross? How could you imagine me? I reflect back on the heaviness of the cross, both the physical cross and the weight of Tosin’s transgressions, Tosin’s guilt, Tosin’s iniquity. You carried it all. My chastisement was upon You. Jesus, You know that weight. I carried it for quite some time. Yet, as I sit here in complete reverence and awe of the depth of Your love for me and obedience to the Father, I still transgress. I am often guilty. And, when I feel as if I am virtuous; my immorality weakens me. How could You bear that load? There are days where I cannot bear being myself. I don’t understand it, but I am deeply indebted for this freedom.
Holy Spirit, make me a living breathing sacrifice. There are times when You are so present with me, that to face death would be a simple feet. I love the life I have with You, but not so much to surrender it all instantly. I don’t know where these feet will trod. I know a path is cut but awaiting to be revealed. Whether, I walk, run, crawl, skip, or drag, please be my Guide. Guide me in my eternal plan. Guide me in truth. Guide me in love. Guide me in compassion. Guide me to the cross. Always bring me back to You. While, there is a beauty in the prodigal son’s story, I don’t want to wander. Don’t let me drift away. Even when I am a nuisance please be with me.