Sometime in middle school, people begin seriously asking you the question, “What do you want to do when you get older?” As a middle school student you are still extremely unaware of all the occupations the world has to offer. In middle school, I didn’t know there was a different between a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a counselor, or a life coach. I didn’t even know that you could help people emotionally without having to be any of the four options I listed. Nevertheless, the question of occupation is constantly being asked. The specifics of that question increase in high school.
Where do you want to go to college?
Are you going to college?
Why aren’t you going to college?
Truthfully, in high school I didn’t care. Blame it on my undeveloped frontal lobe, but my greatest concern on graduation day was if Tyler Crockett was going to kiss me. (BTW-he didn’t which is probably good, his breath kind of smelled like deli meat). I could have cared less about looking five years down the line and being here in Texas. More importantly, I could have never seen this for myself. I feel as if we are pressured by some force to plan our lives so myopically and systemically.
However, the older I get, the more factors I have to look at. I remember taking a psychology course in high school and stated, I would be married by 26. I am 22 now. I have time to meet someone and marry them by 26, but I don’t want to. I am not scared of men. I don’t fear them. I can interact with them pretty well, but I have NO interest in being in a relationship now. I don’t think women understand what a freedom and blessing it is to be single. We are pressured to enter relationships when we are not developed individuals (and neither are the people we are dating). There are times when I look at myself and my paternal issues and simple could not ask God hard enough to hold off on a mate for me. I have some real men issues that God is going to have to work on if my marriage will ever work. And that takes time. It takes time for a heart to change. It took me two years to get to a place of forgiveness, but forgiving someone doesn’t mean that there are not still parts of me that are not broken. That is where I am now. Everyday, I see God doing something there, but IT TAKES TIME.
I thought I wanted seven biological kids, but I don’t want any of my own children (maybe one). Working as a foster parent, I want to adopt as much as possible. I have some ovary issues and don’t want to count my womb out. However, I love my kids now. I am completely in love with my kids. I wish I was in a place where I could adopt them and provide for them and nurture them and give them a sense of permanency. A child does not have to have my DNA to feel like they are mine. My future football player and my future doctor, they were mine. Those were my babies. I dream about them. I want children like them, bumps, bruises, flaws, and all. I think about them sometimes and weep because we are apart. Of all the children I have had, they are mine. I don’t need to have my own kids, they exist already.
Gosh, my blog posts never go where I want them to go. I wanted this to be a post about not planning your life from start to finish. Set up some guard rails and journey on. I have had the best life. I would not trade it for anything. I have traveled across the Atlantic. I am doing meaningful work away from home. I have had awesome friendships begin and end. I have no prospects for a husband. I have no debt. I laugh every day.
I don’t think when God created life, He wanted it to be so regimented. I definitely believe if God wanted me to live in the same community for the rest of my life He would work my life and heart out to want that. BUT, I definitely think He knows how easy-going I am. He knows while, I am concerned, I am not. He knows, I am happy with Him and me. Honestly, all I know is God wants me in seminary. I don’t know what comes after that. I don’t even know where I will live or if I will have a job, but I will do my part and God will show me the rest.
Moral of the Post: Don’t plan your life so rigidly that you don’t allow life to happen.