Fat and all the Weight that Comes with It

Fat is as much a mentality as it is a physique. One can be slim, but develop a mentality that they are morbidly obese. One can also be medically obese, but not consider themselves fat. For the most part find myself in the latter category. Doctor after doctor after doctor has told me that I am obese (like it is a surprise or something). When you are a size 16, you typically know already that you are not the skinniest girl. What these doctors don’t know however, that I am intentionally physically active. I am not talking about that accidental workout you get by labor. I am talking about 4.5 mile bike rides to and from the gym. I am talking about strict dieting. Well, I was.

Around the 9th of March, I lost my morale. After months of dieting and exercises and lifestyle changes, I gained weight, not even muscle, just weight. Does anyone know how disheartening this is? It is just a reminder that I control nothing. I can’t even control my body. April 1 to start again. I would like to be a size 14 by the beginning of June. I am attending a friend’s wedding and I just want to be down one dress size.

I never had a fat mentality. I always just saw myself as bigger. I wasn’t better or worse. I was just bigger. Some people have an hourglass shape; I have a day glass. Lately though with my most recent failure, I just feel fat. I feel like just eating whatever. If I didn’t enjoy bike riding so much, I would probably have stopped. I bike ride, but nowhere near four miles. I have given up on losing weight. At least for now.

April 1, I will start all over again. I am going to a doctor recommended by a friend. Even though it is my body, I don’t know everything about the human body. I feel like a doctor can give me more information or at least guide me in the right direction concerning my health. Then, I am going to do a cleanse. I have been brutal to my body in the past 22 years. I don’t think my body was meant to eat processed food (both healthy and unhealthy) so much. My system is getting a reboot. I don’t want to go down without a fight. I don’t think God wants me to go down like this. It just seems so hopeless.

God, heal my mind. This is about my body, but just break this fat mentality. Shatter this discouragement  Heal this hopelessness. I know where my body is not where I want it to be, but where do YOU want it to be? I don’t want to pursue a size or a shape; I want health. My life is so finite compared to infinity. My days are so limited. I don’t want to take numbers away from an unhealthy lifestyle. God this is not about beauty. I don’t care about external beauty. There is something You have place in my heart that shines brighter and farther that my dark spots, wrinkles, cellulite, and belly fat. God, I am beautiful, because You see me that way, because You created me that way. God, this is a matter of giving You the utmost glory with my health. God, You did not create a church to sit stuffed on pound cakes, pizza, and potlucks. Let Your church and let me rise in health, healing, and love. I don’t want to limit whatever plan You have for me by my health.

Lord, I don’t have the strength to do this alone. You know me. You know in times of sorrow or confusion I will turn to food. You know where my weaknesses and temptations lie. You know how many times I have failed. You know my body. You know what I need and don’t need. Help me to listen. Make me more attuned to hear. More so, help me turn to You in times of emotional need. My heart and emotions are prone to wander. Always, in Your great love and mercy, bring me back to You. Father, Your Word says (2 Corinthians 12:9),“Your grace is sufficient for me, for your power is made perfect in my weakness.” So the same way Paul boasted in his weakness, I boast in mine that only so that Your glory may be seen in my health.

Dad, even before I see a single ounce dropped, I just want to thank you for what You are currently doing and what You will do. Thank you for a successful doctors visit. Thank you for a fresh start. Thank you for it all. God, when people point to me. I will point to You. You did this. It was Your power, Your direction, and my simple and humble obedience. Thank you for all of it.

Gracias Dios. Yo oro todos este en el nombre poderoso de Cristo,

Amen

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