Man, I haven’t written in a while. Being the head of a household is a lot of work. I don’t think I have had a night of uninterrupted sleep in weeks. Part of this is an update and part of it is pure catharsis and part is confession.
Essentially, I love my job. I am in control of a lot, and to some extent I think I am a control freak. However, I think it is foolish to not be a tad bit controlling when you are the one held responsible for any sort of mistake made. I think I need to better distinguish the difference between being controlling and in control.
In this line of work being the boss is hard. You have to maintain a home, keep documentation in order, parent children, and work with other people. Each area I struggle with something. Currently, I struggle with adapting to new adults. I was so blessed to be in my old house. I enjoy new experiences, but I don’t think I ever loved a group of women as much as them. We were the original circle. My memories of this time in my life are filled to the brim with them. I feel like God orchestrated our time together. Even in difficult situations and when I drove people crazy and was driven crazy I loved them. It wasn’t even just friendship. I enjoyed working with them. I felt like we were an oiled machine. We looked out for each other and cared about each other.
Now, I am just restarting. I am at step one all over again. It is difficult. I want to rant (and have in fact ranted) about this. I love new experiences, but I feel like I have been completely emerged into something way over my head. I think I am placing expectations on people who are different. I need to be more patient. I am not perfect either. I have made so many mistakes. Who am I to judge?
Speaking of judgement, I have been quite the judge lately. It has been awful. I don’t like being something I oppose. As, I think back to a particular conversation I had today, I can’t help but be completely revolted by the things that I said. Did Christ die for that? So, I could open my mouth and trash talk one of His Father’s (my Father’s) creation. Because whether I like it or not any person I dislike is a creation of God. Whether I am socially justified or not, God adores that person. Now, I cannot help but feel ashamed for what I did.
Lord, I believe You use every situation as an opportunity to grow in my relationship with You and develop character. Help me be a woman of character. Help me to be a good example to my kids. I am not a perfect foster parent. I make mistakes as a friend, a coworker, and a parent. Please let me live my life in a manner that allows glory to go back to You. because this life is not about me and my house drama. It is not about who knows my name or speeches I make. My life is not my life. My life is nothing. I remember reading Psalm 103 earlier this week and just being so humbled by verses 14 through 16, “for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.” That is my life. I am not legendary or a big shot. I am dust. Help me keep that on the forefront of my mind. Help me keep You on the forefront of my mind.
God, please be with me and my coworkers in this new home. This move is harder than I envisioned. Help us to be truthful with one another. However, let this truth be motivated by a desire to unite our house. God do not allow my pride to tear my house apart. Help me be away about how I can serve my coworkers better. Teach me to be a wisdom filled servant.
Lord, I love you and thank you.