This was a definitely blow. Managing is difficult without them. I feel like I am in mourning. My three girls left. I always feel like a breeze away from bawling. I don’t even know what I am crying for. You know permanence is never an option. I know that. I just got too into it. Them leaving is more painful than anything I have ever dealt with. In times of prayer my heart just aches and tears fill my face. I don’t even know what to say to God concerning this matter. Why would He let them go back? It is not for me to know though. Knowing why wouldn’t even help. They are still gone.
There was no time to mourn or to grieve. We had to just move forward.
Sometimes, I don’t even know what I am doing. June and July have not been my friend. The scorching heat is nothing compared to the flames of confusion, anger, frustration I have found myself in. I don’t even know what I did wrong? I wish people would just yell at me. I can take yelling, but I hate this eternal guessing game. I’m tempted to become a recluse. I just want to disengage. I don’t want to be a part of anything. I just want to recede into the darkest corner of my room and not come out. I have little desire to face life right now. I can’t even smile without feeling like a fraud. I know something is wrong, but I don’t know what is wrong.
This is a valley.
Lord, I lost track of the mountain. I am in the valley, and I am in a cave. Lord, pull me out. Make all things new. Make beauty out of my ashes. I cannot do this alone. I don’t want to do this alone.