I finally submitted my application to DTS. It has been finished for three weeks. I don’t know what kept me from submitting it. I sometimes forget that I am twenty-two. Sometimes, I feel like I am seventeen and still desire the approval of my mom and sister. In hindsight, they typically knew what was best for me.
In my walk, I have slowed my pace. Typically, I read the Bible like a text-book. For the summer, I am reading through 1 Samuel and 2 Samuel. No note taking, no search for context clues, I am just reading. Oddly enough I have changed where I read my Bible from my bedroom to the elliptical machine in the gym. It is interesting to read about the life of Saul and David. For a long time, I thought of King Saul as an evil and vicious man. And at times he was. We sought to end the life of his son-in-law. However, in the beginning of his story, it was not this way. There were times while reading, I just felt so sad for him. I think, “Oh, Saul, it is so obvious what you are doing in wrong. Just repent and stop it.” I wonder how many times someone has thought that of me.
Tosin, for heaven’s sake stop it! What you’re doing is wrong. Just repent and stop.
I don’t really know what God wants me to do with my life. For a long time, I prayed that God would give me a white picket fence life. I wanted a stationary home with three kids and a husband. I really thought that is what I wanted, but now I don’t. I don’t want that. I would trade my white picket fence for a life of international adventures. While, I struggle with the desire to be in a relationship, I battle with the desire to be independent and free. I am not ready to settle down. I see myself as wild and free. Not only free from having a boyfriend, but sometimes even free from the desire to have a boyfriend. It is a women’s liberation of epic proportions. I see myself as adequate enough to live life on my own. So, I am not in search of my other half. I am in search of someone who is complete whole regardless of my entrance into their life. Nothing is wrong with the white picket fence, but it not a nationwide goal.
Then there is my current financial freedom. To date, I own no one anything. My debts stand at nil. With that freedom, I want to travel the world. I want to dance with the locals. I want to spend thousands of night listening to people’s stories. I want to hear about people’s lives. I want to know more people. Which is a crazy conundrum because to date, I have no lifelong friends. There is no one that our relationship has transcended time and distance. However, I like meeting new people. I like knowing new people. I like loving new people. There is something about meeting new people and being in a new place that makes you want to recreate yourself. I think that is one of the underlying joys of school. In every class there is someone new to know.
I miss my Spain. I miss the kindness and the warmness in the culture. There is a perspective that is only attained when you have ventured out of the United States. There are people who do life in a completely different from US culture and are completely content with it. It give me the unsettling feeling that anywhere I make my bed here is not my home.
God, what in the world do you have planned for me?
I need to do better at relationships. With all this talk of meeting new people, I do poorly at maintaining the old. I just don’t have the relationship thing pinned down yet.
Ugh, to be in my head sometimes. There are always like a million scenarios running around. I miss having my mom and sister. I need a mental and physical break. I need to be far away for a while. I wish I could afford a condo somewhere. I wish it was in a small town that had interesting things to do, like cafes in the day and dance halls in the evening. I wish I could get dressed up for something. Dating is out of the question, but I wish I could attend a ball and dance the night away or a cocktail party or something that reaffirms that my twenties are happening right before my eyes.
Is this normal for other twenty two year olds? Do other young adults have this feeling?