“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.” Blaise Pascal
Void, I sometimes end my days wishing tomorrow did not have to begin. The past couple months that has been my feelings towards life in general. In no way am I suicidal. I just was losing myself in the monotony of what I do, which is simply act as a parent with tons of paperwork. However, I do not think it was the monotony of housework or childcare. I do not think it is a question of whether or not I seek adventure or stability. The emptiness I assumed due to boredom was simply a reminder of my God shaped vacuum.
I believe since the fall of mankind we all are completely broken. We are the containers for a puzzle with only 3% of the pieces. You know a puzzle with only 3 pieces does not make a portrait. It makes a mess. Throughout life, we all get a piece or two of our puzzles, but we never have enough to put the puzzle together. Me, I run to other people to help me figure out all my pieces. Sometimes, I ask them to help put me together. Other instances, I simply want another part to make myself more clear. The most obvious issue that idea: incomplete people cannot complete people. So even if this person has 99 parts to their 100 part puzzle, they are still incomplete. Most obvious in all puzzles, there is a void. A common lack creating a bond among all puzzles.
I have been lacking a lot. I have placed people and accomplishments and entertainment and food in my God shaped vacuum in a desperate hope that something would bottom out in there. The result: depravity, sadness, shame, hopelessness, anger, restlessness, and (worst of all) confusion.
Our vacuum (because we all have one) is endless in its depth. Our vacuum widens as life goes. My vacuum is filled with the sin that comes from being born and has expanded with my personal sins. My void holds my pride and humiliations, my false hopes and real fears, my life is in that vacuum. I am in that vacuum. God, I don’t want to be there anymore. There is a great hope in Christ though. Christ is infinite. He fills the vacuum until it overflows and spills out into a mighty river that washes and renews and cleanses. Christ bottoms it out. He is my pride, and He humbles me. He is my hope and in Him I have no fear. When that void is filled by Christ, I am in Him and He is in me. My puzzle comes together marvelously. Because, He was the Maker of the puzzle, and He holds all my parts. He knows what the portrait is supposed to look like.
God, I have felt so empty and worn out. I feel like I have lost so many of my pieces. I feel void beyond repair. But, I call You my Healer. You have never lied for it is not Your character. Heal this emptiness Lord. I know in this moment, You felt what I am feeling. God bring me back to You. God, I am nothing. I am absolutely nothing. I can be proud of my skills and brag on my house and think that I am amazing, but Lord you formed me from the dust and You knitted me together in my mother’s womb, All my accomplishments and skills and bragging rights fall before Your throne like flies. They are nothing and I am even less. Nothing I can do can help me. Nothing I can say can help me. You, God, You see me. Your prodigal daughter with her God shaped void just trying to avoid acknowledging that I am not okay. Late have I loved You. God, I am so sorry. Ugh, I am just so sorry. Lord, how did I get so far. Why do I go so far? Why do I trade the Son of God for fleeting pleasure? God help me.
Jesus, You know where I am. I need You. Help me seek You more. Let my love for You be the heartbeat of my life. Fill this void that I simply cannot contain. Shatter the borders of my faith. Lord, I don’t care if You take me to Spain or keep me in this house until I die. Wherever You tell me to go, I will go. Because wherever you are, I am home. You are my home.
In Jesus Holy Name,