Spiritually, I am in pretty bad shape. Second to before knowing Christ, these past three months I have found myself in daunting and painful monotony. Because there is no differentiation between personal and professional, home and work, sometimes even day and night, I just feel restless. Pridefully, I seek solace and comfort in myself. I try to keep it together, but sometimes I just let myself go. I let it all hang out and fall out. I stop working out and eating well and taking care of myself. All of that is bad. All of that is awful and completely psychologically wearing. I don’t like not working out. While, I joke around the matter, I like being physically active. I like eating well. I like not feeling like a blob, but I have accepted that fact that this is just a body and it is deteriorating. However, it is the spiritual falling out that has left me hollow.
I know how to rectify this situation. I know when I speak to God, He hears me. He knows my words. He knows my heart. Yet, I seek everything and sometimes seek nothing. There are times I just want to wallow in my pity.
Jesus, I feel like we have not spoken in so long. I have no idea what I am doing. I don’t know where I messed up. I don’t know how to be better. I don’t know what to do. I am doubting everything. I don’t doubt my faith and believe in You, but I am so disengaged in our relationship. I don’t even have the words to say to you sometimes. It says that the Holy Spirit helps me in my weakness. Lord, I am so weak. I don’t really have it in me to push through this valley. It says that when, I do not know what I ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for me through wordless groans. Lord, I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t have the words to say. I have no idea what to pray for. The Holy Spirit does though, please just speak on my behalf. Holy Spirit speak on my behalf. Where I cannot venture, take me further and deeper. In all of this mess, fix my eyes on You. You are my light and salvation. The same way I cup my kids faces when I speak to them, cup mine.
As I continue to read through Romans 8, just remind me that none of this is in vain. All of this for my good. Lord, I trust You. As I finish this prayer remind me that this life is not about me anyways. It is all about you. It centers and orbits around Your glory made so evident to me through Jesus Christ, who serves as my role model in all things. Whose suffering on my behalf usurps any of my current situations, and whose glory is higher and magnificent than any accolade or position that men could hold. As, I continue this month of giving, please let me continually be humbled. Incinerate any pride in my heart and replace it with grace and compassion for Lord you know my imperfections are vast. Yet, you sent a willing Son to give His life to a people who would love Him and still obey Him. Forgive me for my wayward heart. How can I even contemplate the cross in comparison to my life. I am nothing. Jesus be my joy.
Lord this prayer is far from over, but this post is. I love You.