A GOOD Bye

Every 23-year-old wishes to be free. I am. I am free from student loans. I am free from a relationship. I am free from most everything. I cannot think of a solitary man-made institution that has any sort of grasp at me. What does one do with that freedom?

At the end of every sentence is a period, or a question mark, or an exclamation point. I am at the end of my sentence, and I do not know how to finish. I used so many words. My language was colorful and dramatic, crude and reverent, troubled and hopeful. These words have told a story, I never knew existed. It put me in a setting where I didn’t even know life existed. I have been a part of so many stories this year, that I have forgotten that I am in one. All of the sudden, I am now returning to a story that began 23 years ago.

I am done.

Am I done?

DONE!

Only one of those sentences can be true. Only one can be used. Why is freedom so scary? No one teaches you how to be free. No one tells you what to do when you have no responsibilities. I think freedom is scary because it is not really freedom. It is nothing. I have never been in a place where I was doing nothing. I don’t have any plans to see friends back home over the next month. I don’t have plans to do much of anything. I would like to go to London, but if that doesn’t pan out, what would I do? I have always lived to get into school or to be a good mom or to serve my coparents well or to be a good Christian and all of that has faded in my eyes. All of it seems to have blown away by times billowing breeze. Is it normal to be this scared of life. I still don’t know what I am doing. I still have no idea what God wants me to do.

What does one do in the waiting period? I look at the name of my blog and just shake my head in the irony. Nonlinear is the perfect description of what my life has been. And as I approach the last days of my nonlinear life and walk towards another stage of nonlinearism. I am constantly befuddled by how my life has panned out.

Today, I leave my house my home

Heart unsettled

This rolling stone

Settling further from where I began

Just following closely to the unraveling plan

Breathe and breathe

Cry and cry

This year was such a rewarding fight

I have no regrets, no sadness, no fears

I just reset for the next eventful year.

 

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