A Breath

Blogging is breathing for me, and I haven’t taken a breathe in almost a month. Writing on WordPress is this weird four person conversation that I am both completely engaged and sort of disengaged.

I am talking to me. I am a thinker. I over analyze situations. I look for context clues in life and hidden meanings. I totally process and reprocess and reprocess. And, despite the copious amounts of the day I spend talking sometimes, I say absolutely nothing substantial. I jest and joke around and don’t allow the weight on my brain to unload. I go to bed frustrated with the same situations from the day. Writing is this purging of everything. I pray God keeps me honest as I write and breaks the backspace key. I am only as sick as my secrets. As of late I have none and am feeling pretty well.

I am talking with God. I am closest to God in these moments. I feel like I am one with the Holy Spirit when I write. There are posts where midway through I am overwhelmed with the love of God for me. So expansive and vast that all I could do was cry. However, there are moments where I am documenting my anger or frustration or downright sin and with immediacy God just convicts my heart and it hurts. It kills me. In those moments, I have to choose to keep on in my pride and sin or repent. I have done both. The latter is far better. Then there are those glorious moments my fingers are moving more rapidly than my mind and sentences form in the most marvelous of fashion. Those words are God’s. Creative as I attempt to be there are some posts that are God breathed. They are the ones I have to read once they are finished. They are the ones I return to when I am downtrodden. I love those moments.

I am talking to people in my life. Let’s be real here, I live in a small community. I don’t have time to sit here and lie about how I feel. Some times the words I rehearse over and over don’t get said. Here is where I place those words. I will never mention names, but typically these people know who they are. I refuse to believe people are that dense. I honestly believe people have adopted an “ignorance is bliss” mentality. So…yeah…I’m talking to you.

Lastly, I am talking to everyone. I believe that all posts I write are beneficial to some extent to someone. I have laughed, cried, learned, and loved in these posts. I believe people have done this with me as well. I wish I could engage with all the people who have read this blog. WordPress is awesome because it has statistics. Since starting my blog October of 2012 I have had people view it from all continents. People hear my words. I get to have a voice. I am breathing words.

So, after a month of no posts it seems as I am now ready to breathe again.

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