When the End was the Beginning

Every morning brings about a new day since I resigned. There are mornings I miss the monotony of my old job. Rolling out of bed at 7:00am to take the eldest to school. Hearing the screams of an insatiably hungry one year old crying out, “Get me out of here! I’m awake. I’m hungry”. Making a sound that typically manifested itself in the form of a shrill being heard from everywhere in the house, especially my room across the hall. Allowing the quirky quacking of my favorite duck to mull over my mind. All of these things the symphony of the day. All of them a tune, so extremely familiar. With even the best of records, the music scratches and stops. The tune ended all too quickly.

Perhaps, it ended quick enough. Whatever the case is, my former life in Houston is over. I am not a parent anymore. You know what I am though? 23. I read back over the past 18 months. Child after child, change after change, circumstance after circumstance, I learned so much. Then, I stopped learning. I started creating this education for myself. I still learned, but like any student who begins to pursue mastery over their educators, resentment builds. One can only grow so much, before they either become stunted, wither, remain the same, or overtake their surroundings. I am blessed. I was released to grow. I am growing. I am transforming into myself in so many respects that I had forgotten.

My love for people was the first to return. All people are so amazing to me. Everyone is multidimensional. In every person exists the potential for so much good and so much evil. I just love being around people. I love my friends. I love getting to know the women I worked with as women, and not as parents. Because surprise, surprise this internship will end. It will be over. It is a role we play that pretends it is our identity. I love the new people I have met. There is something painfully beautiful about new friends. It is like a gift that keeps getting better the more you unpack it. I am falling in love with a city I thought I hated.

Still, much remains unknown. I am finding joy in the unknown, because I can hope there. My obsession with knowledge and planning and dictating life is subsiding. I am finding humility and kindness, as I am dependent on others. I am finding a sense of femininity and womanhood as I pursue dance wholeheartedly. I am finding my passion as I am able to engross myself in my academics and the people that surround me. I am finding myself in all of this, as the sassy, overly-confident, hilariously blunt person that I am. Most importantly, I am finding God in all of this. Daily, trusting in His providence with no knowledge of His plan. Daily, acknowledging His heart while, I search for His hand. Daily, consuming my daily bread, trusting there will be more tomorrow. It is radical and frightening. It is a familiar feeling. I am moving up a roller coaster that is about to drop.

 Lord, thanks for my life. It feels good to be back.


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