An Open Letter to Men

This is an open letter to a man. In fact this is my open letter to all men, inspired by several men that I have met in life, but culminating with an experience I had with a man last night that pissed me off.

Dear Man and other Men,

Perhaps, you don’t understand how to relate to me because I am a woman. That’s fine. I have found often times when observing your species, you don’t know what you are doing. Rather than asking though, you all seem to assume that you know what is best for me. Or WORSE, you see me as an item for your usage. Well, please allow me to clear that up for you.

1. YOU DO NOT, WILL NOT, AND WILL NEVER KNOW THE BEST THING FOR ME. Hell, you don’t even know me. I don’t need to be put in my place. I don’t need to look up to you as my savior. I have a Savior and his name is Jesus. Just because you lead me in dancing doesn’t mean you lead me in everything. Also, if you want to dance with me. ASK. It is not that difficult to say, “Would you like to dance?” I am courteous enough to ask men when I want to dance with them. I don’t simply make eye contact and curl my finger like an arrogant pompous cretin. Do I look like a dog to you? You can say come here or whistle or slap your leg. and I trot to you panting. Let me answer that for you, NO. NO I don’t. I am a person. I am just as valuable and worthy of respect as any man. My requirement for respect does not make me an annoyance or a b****; it makes me a human. Then, when I call you out on how rude that was, you tell me that there is no need for you to be respectful as you don’t plan on taking anyone home, but if I want to… I should have punched you in the nose. Here’s the truth, you are terrible. You attempt to pry on meek women as if their meekness is an allowance for your crassness. Well, it isn’t. You are nasty. I hope you taste the rotten fruit from your tree of ignorance, misogyny, and arrogance. I hope you are forced to swallow it and regurgitate it back up. You make me sick. You make women sick. As you danced with other women and got your pleasure from being close to them, I could see their sickness with you. They did not want to be with you. So, I hope you get your jollies from dancing with women, because you will never know women. Like you book, you will see it and you may even touch it briefly, but you will never understand the vast depth held in its pages.

2. I am not an item. What makes you think that I want to hear you groaning in my ear while we are dancing? Last time I checked we are not having intercourse. We are dancing, contra-dancing at that. I was foolish to ask you to dance the first time. Then, when I call you out on it, your response is, “Dancing is about feeling connected and about bodies”. Seriously, are you 12? Dancing is about self-expression. Now, you can express yourself any way you want to, but when your expression begins to impede on my comfort then we have a problem. I don’t care if you have danced with a million girls who loved your moaning and groaning and your connectedness crap spiel, the moment you meet one who doesn’t then shut up. The best men I have danced with have told me repeatedly, in partner dancing it is important that the follow feel both safe and comfortable. Both feelings I didn’t have with you. In fact let me list out the feelings I did have dancing with you:

  • extreme discomfort
  • nausea
  • rage
  • anger
  • disgust

None of those are pleasant emotions. I did not enjoy dancing with you. I did not even enjoy you. I will never dance with you again. Also, I will not give you the pleasure of a nice, “No, thank you” if you ever ask me to dance with you again. I will look at you as if you have asked me to commit a felony and with a disgusted look say, “NO!” Do you know why, because if you cannot treat me like a woman or even a human, why should I have to sit here and validate your abilities as a man.

Men, many of you all struggle with your manhood. And, rather than finding a productive way of handling that, you think if you exert dominance over someone (namely women and children) your manhood will be validated. Well, let me clear that up to you. If you don’t think of yourself as a man that is a YOU problem. It is a you problem that I don’t want to be included in. It is a you problem that you shouldn’t include anyone in except God. It is not my job to make sure you feel like a man today or any day.

Now, specifically to the rude man I danced with yesterday. I don’t hate you. I loathe what you did. I loathe how you attempted to make me feel. I hate that when I asked you to stop doing something that made me uncomfortable, you manipulated the situation and made me feel like I offended you. You had no right to do that. However, there is no one so outside of grace and forgiveness. So, I forgive you. You will probably never apologize, but I forgive you. Because while you struggle with your manhood, I know I am a woman. I know I am valuable. I know I don’t have to look to you or anyone to validate who I am. I am blessed to know that God loves me just as I am and doesn’t look down on me.

I hope your manhood is restored one day. I hope you know the feeling of love and acceptance. I hope you one day have the ability to love others and show dignity to all women. I feel bad for you as I feel bad for all men who struggle this way. It is sad.


4 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Men

  1. royal T April 16, 2014 / 12:46 PM

    it sucks that he treated you like that, i’ll apologize on his behalf ( in case he never does). but to attack all men with “Men, you all struggle with your manhood.” is unfair

    • thenonlinearlife April 16, 2014 / 12:54 PM

      Thanks, however I do think men struggle with manhood. Media tells women how they should look, but it never in fact questions that they are women. Men on the other hand are constantly and sickeningly are questioned with , “Are you a man? Are you man enough?”

      I didn’t mean for it is read as if some men have not conquered the pressures of being a man. However, it was meant to be a statement that men face this challenge of either having to conform to this popular and incomplete notion of manhood or create an honest, realistic, and complex definition of what it is to be a man. No disrespect. 🙂

    • thenonlinearlife April 16, 2014 / 12:58 PM

      Also, thanks for letting me know that. I will seek in the future to be more clear in my language when I write.

      • royal T April 16, 2014 / 2:09 PM

        i will agree that men struggle with manhood, but i dont think all men run around constantly seeking validation, those who do are not men, but more simply, male… and no problem, because good writing is a lost art these days, yet that doesn’t apply to you.

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