People assume asking God questions is a sin. Not so much the “God where should I go to college?” questions. I am thinking about the “God, why didn’t you give me that apartment?”, “Why did I suddenly lose my job?”, or “God, why does my life appear to be unraveling at the seams?” that leads into the “God why would you make my life so difficult?” questions. I ask God these questions often, sometimes in sorrow more often in despair or anger. I don’t think it is sinful though. I have spent the past 2 months reading the Bible chronologically and throughout the Scripture people would cry out to God in question form…sometimes sorrowful sometimes in despair and anger. I don’t think I am being rude; sometimes in my talking time (this is not prayer this is just literally having a conversation) with God, I just lament like I would to my mother or to a close friend.
In pursuing an authentic relationship with Jesus, I find myself in this season often baffled by His unknown purposes in allowing or not allowing certain things to happen. Sometimes, it is hard for me to figure out how God would possibly get glory from me being on a couch for 4 months. Perhaps, the work He is doing is internal. Even in befuddlement, my desire for God’s presence is reminiscent of when I first met Him in 2009 in my Honda Accord. It is like He has gathered the wood and is spreading lighter fluid everywhere just waiting to ignite a fire. My heart’s cry for about two months is for revival, not a tent meeting or a month long evening service. I want the Spirit of God to sweep though the hearts of His people. I want for the creativity of God and the gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit to overflow in His people. In times of prayer, I want to feel God’s presence throughout the atmosphere. I want God’s collective body across all denominations executing sound doctrine and joining together in unity to become the mobile beautiful body of Christ. I want the prayers of my brothers and sisters in underground churches, in captivity, in persecution to become linked to the prayer of their siblings across the world. I desire for this to be so grand that Jesus becomes evident to all people. I want more of Jesus. I want more of Jesus because I love Him and I am confounded by Him. Because He stretched how much I trust Him constantly, and it is scary. He challenges me on my nonsense. He calls me to live a holy life when I would rather be sinful.
God, I don’t know why. And I hate it. You know and I trust you. I eagerly await for your glory to be revealed. I cannot wait for that day. How long O Lord, will I await Your return. This world is filled with evil. People are murdered daily. Sickness overtakes even the mightiest of men. Evil steals the innocence of a child. I contribute. We all contribute. I eagerly await the day of Your return, but until then….revival. I know it is coming, so I wait.
God, You hold time in Your hand. My life is but a vapor, but still You use it. God, please take my eyes off the minute details for a moment to see the big picture. I am nothing apart from You. I am a vessel.