There is something wondrous about isolation of a forced vacation or in my case work trip. In my time in Missouri, two things have occurred.
I have been able to drown out the chaos of my life presently.
If I could summarize 23 in one word it would be painful. Pain in all its variants. The pain of loss. The pain of struggle. The pain of exhaustion and still pushing forward. The pain of growth. The pain of dread and fear. The pain of sanctification. The pain of being human. The pain of choosing joy in the midst of overwhelming sorrow. The pain of sorrow. The pain of failure. The pain of perseverance. The pain of crying out to God, when I felt like you couldn’t hear my cries. The pain of worshiping Him, in the midst of the storm. The pain of the storm and the crashing waves. Yes, pain perfectly describes this year. When faced with constant pain, the only response sometimes, is to become numb. Numbing oneself is not the solution, but rather a coping mechanism to smile at your friends one more time. To get by without someone asking how you are doing, because you know an honest response would ruin their day. However, in this glorious retreat, I have had the opportunity to temporarily be on top of the mountain. I haven’t worried about where I live or if I am going to sign on with apartment life. (I did have a mild panic attack trying to figure out how to pay for seminary) I have only thought about Jesus. It has been wonderful to praise Him in the midst of His creation.
I have been able to figure out who I genuinely am.
I am not as much of a character as I am a chameleon. I am pretty adaptable in social situations. I read them out well and conform to the role that will be most beneficial to all. However, in doing that I lose myself more than I want to. In this time of aloneness, I have come to love silence. I love the kindness in quietness. More importantly, I love Jesus. I love everything about Him. I remember that I was called to worship and worshiping Jesus is the most exhilarating action I can do. I love Him.
Nothing profound, but the musings of a soul in love with Jesus.