Resignation

I slept in my car last night. Reading those words, I am still unable to fully comprehend their meaning. I rarely slept in my car last night. I mostly sat in my car and watched the lights on Heights Boulevard and 14th repeat their steady 25 second pattern: 10 seconds on green, 5 on yellow, 10 on red.

I played 39 games of solitaire multiplayer. I think I lost the majority of them. Then, I went on YouTube and found old episodes of The Cosby Show to watch. I love that show. Weirdly, Cliff Huxtable reminds me of my dad. My battery eventually died. I walked around at 4ish in the morning. I sat back down in the car and eventually around six in the morning, my body temporarily succumbed to exhaustion. I slept for 30 minutes, but was awoken by cars in their flighty travels, cyclists zooming by, and the elderly running with their pets. It was hot. I was hot. I sweated the entire night. When people would get too close to my car, I could feel all my nerves firing, preparing for fight.

While, this experience was new and I will likely repeat it, there was something familiar with it. Summer 2011, while I loved God, began hating the church. Which is stupid, because God loves the church; I am also part of the church. However three years later, I am approaching the same conclusion with similar detest.

In Bible Study this week someone asked the question, “How can people turn away from God?” As, I have had many a tantrum this past evening, I have realized if it were not for Jesus, I would not be a Christian. The community aspect of it, is not worth it for me. I am friendly and can make friends anywhere I go, but Christians are the worst. I am the worst and I own it.

The Bible talks about how radical the early church was. How they met the needs in their communities all in the name of Jesus. How no one did without because people were willing to sacrifice personal security for global community. It’s not like that anymore. Being in seminary, I grow weary of the peoples knowledge of the Word, but lack of application. Who gives a shit if you have committed all of Romans to your memory, if you choose to stay in your Christian cubby hole because you are a little uncomfortable being social, then shut up. Shut up and don’t talk to me. Then there is the passivity prayer. “Oh, I’ll pray for you”, “We will be praying”. Alright keep praying, call me when you start praying and doing. Because all your doing cannot be in praying.

Christians need to own up to the fact that we genuinely hurt people. Our message is offensive, but we are offensive. We hide behind our psuedo-holiness, thinking we have to remain untainted. When, we have always been filthy creatures. Christians have walked past me when I was attempting to clean the shattered glass from my car. Christians never sincerely ask how I am doing. The worst and most angering of all of them, is a Christian who has two unoccupied bedrooms and has never offered one to me.

I want to stop going to church. I think I am pretty much done with Christians for now.

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