Day 13: Ma Boyfreen or Nah (a.k.a. A Post about My Nonexistent Love Life)

Sept 13th: Your current relationship status. If dating/married, give us a glimpse of your story! If single, share about this special season.

If singleness is a spiritual gift, I count myself more blessed then 57% of my Facebook friends who are dating, engaged, or married. If singleness is a curse, then I am the most wicked of all women and men around the world. However, singleness is neither a blessing or a curse. It is one minuscule and perhaps temporary part of my lifetime. So, I do I spend hours a day obsessing over it. Why have I spent a decade obsessing over it? Depending on the day, my obsession with it either cracks me up or makes me feel like a moron. Lately, I have swayed on the moronic side of the fence.

I have been 24 for 13 days. In these 13 days, I have begun experiencing a quarter life crisis stemming solely from my sense of relational dissatisfaction. In fact, I am going to bless you with an exert of a blog that I did not publish, that was spurred by a single panic attack while dancing last week…don’t judge me.

I don’t know why, but lately I have struggled with being single. Actually, that is a lie, I am not concerned about being single. I am concerned about not being desirable; more specifically, I am concerned that my skin color is undesirable. There is a video on Buzzfeed about racial preferences in dating. Honestly, a lot of the information was new, but one fact simply confirmed my life. Go to 0:48 seconds and watch until 1:15. You know sometimes, I make jokes about race, but beneath all the giggles and chuckling, my race affects me.

I hear my other single friends of different races discuss not dating or being single. I feel for them, but I have more hope for them then myself. One because their amazing people, who will get married. Two, because they are not black women. I apologize to all the African-Americans or Black people reading this. I know you may not share the same sentiment, but I struggle with this. From childhood to adolescence, I remember boys of every race making fun of me and telling me I am not pretty. I remember watching so many of the girls have their fictive boyfriends, as I did not attract the gaze of anyone. Until, I was thirteen, but even then that wasn’t sincere. I developed earlier than everyone else. So my boobs made me interesting. Something, I have learned and am still learning, is that black girls (often) get picked last.

Pretty pitiful isn’t. Even in its pity, there is still some truth. It is hard to reiterate stuff like this to someone who is not the average black woman. But back to the real question. I am supposed to share about this special season. So here is the truth. When you are single it is not that special of a season. Especially when you have been single all your life. Sometimes, Christians tend to glamorize what is nothing more than life. Like singleness is not some miracle stage of life ramping up to marriage. Oh, when I master being single, God’s going to bless me by being married. No. I don’t think that’s how it works. I don’t think you ever master ever being single. Even if you do what are the stipulations for it. If, I can cook for myself, not complain about being single, and be financially secure I have mastered it. Singleness is not a beast to be master. Being single or married or divorced is about being content, and the only way you are content is by begin grateful for the fact you are where you are, for as long as you are for a very specific purpose.

The way I think of singleness and marriage fluctuates everyday. I love being single for the most part. The freedom to drop it all and run appeals to me. I still have dreams my mind hasn’t conjured. I have lands to venture. I have people to meet. Nevertheless, I would like to share in that with someone. Whether, I have a husband or not, will not stop me from doing what I need to do. Because for me, if the Lord blesses me with a husband, I want my story to have already started. I want to let him know, I have lived my life not in lazy anticipation of him, but in intentional labor to become whomever God is calling me to be. If I met my husband now here are some things I could tell him about myself:

  1. I have been to Spain 3 times
  2. I have traveled alone internationally
  3. I have been homeless, but survived
  4. I have mothered 33 children
  5. I have learned several dances
  6. I moved away from my family when I was 22
  7. I am working on a Masters
  8. I am working on speaking Spanish
  9. I am vivacious as they come
  10. I am only 24

So basically my singleness life rocks. Also, if you are my future husband and you are reading this, I can’t wait to talk about all the awesome stuff you have done and will continue to do.

Advertisements

Any Thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s