I have been angry with God over the course of 7 months. I have still gone to church and worshiped, but deep in my heart I have been mad. I have been furious. I have hated every single moment of not having a place to live. I have hated being on a couch. I have hated feeling like there was no place for me to exist. I hate it. I am grateful for people’s hospitality, but I have hated it, and it makes me mad to think about it. My stomach still turns imagining that I spent a night in my car. It makes me sick, and it makes me frustrated to think that God would sit on His throne and allow it. It has made me question is goodness towards me. I never stopped loving, but there were moments where I couldn’t fathom Him possibly loving me. No, no, no. Not when my life has been in constant disarray for months. I cannot reconcile the pain of my life over the past 7 months with God loving me. No. No. No. Not when I have felt betrayed, abandoned, forsaken, forgotten, hated, and disregarded by God. He may not have hurt me, but He allowed life to.
As the 7 months continued, I thought I had become content with my situation. I hadn’t. I had stopped caring. I had stopped trying to figure out a place to live. I had stopped dreaming of ever just finding peace or solace and resolved that this mess was going to be my life.
Discontentment is rooted in a lack of gratitude.
I have been many emotions these several months, but grateful is not one of them. I cannot think of many reasons to be grateful for this situation. However, there are several things I can be grateful for.
- God, Creator of all things, knows me by my name.
- God thought it worthwhile to redeem a rebellious humanity back to Himself
- Jesus has been on the same earth, I live on
- Jesus is coming again
- The Holy Spirit has revealed the majesty of knowing Christ Jesus as my Lord and Savior
- Despite the struggle of life, I received a 4.0 in my first semester of seminary
- I have gotten to know the people I have stayed with better than before.
- I serve teens
- I have time for people
- It has pulled my faith like taffy, constantly stretching, but never breaking.
My gratefulness and contentment may never alter my living situation. In fact, my gratitude may make my life even more difficult, but at least I will be pleasing in the eyes of God.
Lord, this is not an easy prayer to pray, but I am sorry for my ungratefulness and anger. Lord, if it weren’t for all this crap there are people I would have never met and friends that I would have never made. I am sorry for not trusting in Your goodness and sovereignty. Forgive me. Help me to daily surrender my will and desires for Your plan. Keep me humble even if it means humiliation sometimes. Remind me that there is freedom in trusting You. Remind me that the only thing I am entitled to is You being with me throughout everything. As Your daughter, help me to navigate another transition with grace and strength. Help me to be a sweet sound in your ear. I love You.
In Christ’s Name,