I am terrible at remembering quotes, but one of the most memorable lines comes from Grey’s Anatomy. It was probably on the first or second season of the show. Derrick and Meredith were in a relationship at Seattle Grace Hospital. When Derrick’s wife (Addison) returns, unbeknownst to Meredith; Derrick returns to her. Eventually, Meredith gives Derrick an ultimatum. In typical soapy histrionic Meredith style, she dictates a statement that is constantly salient and personal to me. In tears she states,
Pick me! Choose me! Love me!
Obviously, I bawled. I was 15 and melodramatic myself. Honestly, I still am. As I watch friends date and marry, I hear this line resonate in my head. I realize, I am not chosen. I am not picked. And the flood of embarrassment and shame rolls over me. It reminds me of the hurt, I felt as a child when, I was not determined a suitable candidate to be on anyone’s team for kickball. I began to explore all the reasons why I was not picked. It is the same in adulthood. It is not yet my time. I am loud. Men like girls who a dainty and sweet, not brash and crude. Men don’t really want ambitious women. Men want a woman who will go along with their adventures. Physicality is the most important thing to men. Most men don’t want to date a black woman. Men want a woman who is going to stay at home. Men don’t like women with strong personality types. Despite my best efforts to come up with reasonable data, all of justifications lead to the same statement, I am not chosen.
Or am I. Lately, during sermons I find myself distracted. I, actually, am able to listen to sermons better, when I am physically active or driving. Typically, I will sit and just read the passage that they pastor is covering. This week was a wrap up of Ephesians 1-3. All week-long, I have wrestled with what I know to be a lie, but what feels like a truth. Overwhelmed with this thought of not being chosen, I read Ephesians 1:3-14.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For HE CHOSE us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love, HE PREDESTINED us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance to His pleasure and will–to the praise of His glorious grace, which HE HAS freely GIVEN us in the One he loves. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that HE LAVISHED on us with all wisdom and understanding. And HE MADE KNOWN to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which HE PURPOSED in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment-to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.
IN HIM, WE WERE ALSO CHOSEN, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory. AND YOU WERE ALSO INCLUDED IN CHRIST when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, YOU WERE MARKED WITH A SEAL, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are GOD’S POSSESSION– to the praise of His glory.
Notice, all the bolded and capitalized parts of the scripture depict one of choiceness or possession. I cried. I cry about it still…for various reasons I supposed. None more obvious than the idea that God chose me. There are semi-valid reasons for men not to choose me. However, in light of a perfect God, it is sensibly justifiable that He would not choose me. My goodness and alleged altruism is blemished by my desires for people to continue in liking me. I am unkind to people. I am sinful, and this sinfulness is overwhelming and taints ever part of my existence. The worst thing about this factory imperfection is that compared to the holiness of God and the splendor of His majesty, I am disgusting. If it was possible to lower the value of something worthless, that is me against the backdrop of God. I, of myself, do nothing to the canvas of Christ, but taint the picture. However, he chose me. It is a big deal that He chose me. Because if He didn’t it would have made sense.
I am a liar to say this, currently, makes me feel better about men not liking me. However, this thought does make me feel some type of way. It humbles me. It reminds me that I am chosen, even when I don’t really feel like it.
God, please remind me that I am Your possession. Remind me of my depravity and that under no logical circumstance should You have chosen me. However, in your radical holiness, You redeemed me back to Your kingdom. Allow me to operate in humility instead of pity. Lord, whether, I am single, dating, or married I am chosen, by You. I love you Father.