God and Tosin

I wrote this post about three years ago, and decided there is still truth in it for me. Enjoy.

At some point in the slow descent you wonder if you are actually falling. Unlike diving off a cliff or tripping off a ledge, where for a brief moment I acknowledge my impending doom. The slow and gradual descent leads you down this easy path with foredooming disaster awaiting.

It is not as if God is distant or I am distant from Him. Consider trying to find someone at a party. I feel like we are in a room full of people. I know He is there. He told me He was there. I am looking for Him, but am distracted by the people who are trying to steal my attention. I want to find Him and be with Him, but I am not focused enough to halt obstructive conversations with people to find Him. If it is not a person keeping me from Him it is a situation. When, I do find Him I want Him to see me in the most glorious light. I am constantly engaged in making sure I am good enough whenever He finds me. My pride is a mask to Christ. It is not that He does not know what is underneath He is simply unable to access what He needs because I am blocking Him. I am in a room with the Holy Trinity and I am unable to find them. My search needs to be deeper…more focused.

How exactly does one find God in a crowded room? Does anyone know what I mean? Perhaps, I need to get on a Bible study plan. I read the Bible; I don’t study it though. Does anyone have any recommended study plans. Perhaps, I could find God in the crowded room if I knew my target. When did my relationship with God get so impersonal?

It is so easy to flux from friendship to acquaintance. I allow everything to distract me from Christ. My world cannot be egocentric. My world, my life have to be dia-centric. When did my lighthouse turn into a highly shaded lamp? When did my salt transform to soot? When did my joy warp into jest? When did passion fall into passive? Where is the Christ in my life? When did my profession of Christ outweigh my practice of the God made man’s life?

Father, bring me back to you. I’ve been a fool and I have been blind. I simply want to leave my sinful past behind. I’m always dragging my sin around. My sin just pastures such a deathly crown. Tonight, I’m going to bury my flesh in the ground. There is a darkness until I see Your Dawn.


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