Because one day I woke up, and people thought I had lived long enough to know how to live life.

GOL: Philemon

Dearest Philemon,

I think of you often and am really happy when I do. People tell me about how you get Jesus’s message, you are internalizing it, and living it out. It makes me really proud. Because of this, I don’t want to force you to do something. Rather let me tell you and you can decide on your own. I tell you this because I love you. Onesimus your former slave ran away and has become a part of the family. It’s awesome how much more useful he is as a brother than a slave. I’m sending him back to you even though it feels like I am ripping out my heart. I would like to keep him, but I feel like it wouldn’t be honest. Maybe the divine reason he ran away was so that he could become a son to me and brother to you.

If you still think the same of me, welcome Onesimus as a brother. If you have accounts to settle with him, write me back. I have some to settle with you. LOL. I know you got my message and will do more than welcome him as a brother.

Prep a room, I’m coming over semi-unannounced.

The clique says hi,



Grace Abounds

Today was a difficult day. My sleep rhythm has been off since Sunday. Every night, I have tossed and turned in my bed. Eventually drifting off to sleep. Arising again at 5:30am, with the expectation that today would be different. Work has been a general build-up of stress. My plate remains full always. Monday to Friday has been full of meetings. Some, I have led; others I have sat through. Meetings have thrown off my eating schedule. Around 3pm is when my numb headache settles into a lingering headache.

School feels overwhelming. I still suck at Crossfit, but that’s nothing new. Some days are better than others, but today I especially struggled. It’s 11:52pm, and I have a parent seminar topic to teach from tomorrow at 10am. I have zero slides created. When I realized this at 4:45pm, I sort of lost it. I felt all of me closing inward. My chest constricted. My brain was sprinting. My forehead was sweaty. I felt anxious and scared and lost. I erupted. A lot of my lava landed on others. I felt alone. I ran to my car to make it in time for class and ran over my work phone.

By the time, I pulled out of the parking lot, I was in complete tears. As I race down 610 to DTS, I was sobbing, yelling all the things out loud that my brain was telling me about myself. I’ll spare the gory details.

I sit down into Soteriology (the study of salvation). My professor speaks of the nature of Christ’s grace, and I just weep. If there was ever a day, I needed people to be gracious to me, it was this one. There were moments, I felt it. There were others, I didn’t. However, I thought of God’s grace. God’s grace is salvageable. God in some miraculous feat, managed to pull this damaged days and salvage it into something good.

It’s a miracle every time, and I appreciate it.

To Be Broken is to Be Human

Oft in my writing, I am found in the middle of my brokenness. Historically, I have leaned into it to understand the actual problem. When does it end though? When will I lean out and into something that feels whole and complete and healed? Leaning into brokenness often feels like leaning into emptiness. Boy, have I️ leaned into the abyss this year.

People will say, we are all broken, as a word of solidarity. However, it negates the uniqueness of each of our brokenness. It disregards the individuality of it. In a family, two children can go through the same thing and be broken in different ways. The more, I have leaned into my brokenness and explored it, the more I can relate to others. However, there are moments where I have leaned to deeply in, passed the brokenness, and into depravity.

This is a year where I have been starkly reminded of sin and its effects. Sin ravages and leaves people broken and empty. I don’t mean that in a condemnatory way, I say it experientially. Sin broke me and consumed me. Often in the Epistles, we read of the brokenness in the churches and say proudly, “Don’t be THOSE people”. It’s too late. We are THOSE people. For those who “excel in self-righteousness”, the Epistles tell you who to point a judgmental finger towards. For those who “excel in the righteousness of Christ”, the Epistles remind you of how easy it is to fall into sin. For those who have fallen and broke, the Epistles remind you that other believers are broken as well.

We Christians come from a foundational, historical, and present community that has practiced all sorts of abominable and immoral behavior. It brings comfort to know that I am not the first or chief among sinners. Paul took that title for me. When I fall broken, I arise with a number of thieves, adulterers, murderers, liars, rage-filled monsters, who somehow received the healing salve of the Savior. Who knows, I will break again.

Yes to be broken is to be human

But to be healed is to know divine

Merry Christmas Eve,




Finding where you fit as an adult is difficult. Sometimes, the adolescent fears only hibernate during your early twenties and then reemerge from their slumber in your late twenties. Being displaced for a season doesn’t help that. Being single doesn’t help that. Struggling to figure out “family” both biological, fictive, and spiritual doesn’t help that.

Last week, I moved into (more) permanent housing. In the next two years, I want to save to purchase a house. I am still in the phase where I feel like I am at an Airbnb. It’s home, but it doesn’t feel like mine. I struggle to do things in the common areas and still feel safest and most comfortable in my room. I don’t want to connect. This is no one’s fault, but my own for all childhood traumas, anxiety, and apprehension, ultimately, I must put blame on myself for not allowing myself to move beyond it.

Today, I cooked a meal in my new home. It was different. The spice cabinet was on the left of the stove rather than the right. There were fewer cooking instruments at my disposal. The counter is easily overcome by 5 grocery bags. However, I cooked a meal to prepare for the week. I dirtied pots and pans and bowls. On a day, where I feel least like myself. In a space, where I feel most like myself, the kitchen.

I look forward to the day, where I feel like myself again and can stop acting. Confident. Jovial. Extroverted…kind of. However, I take these tiny moments as wins. You gotta claim victory where you can.


Day 10: 10 Reasons I Love My Job

  1. My staff: the boss staff dynamic I have is different, but it works for me and works for my team
  2. Ministry: I could never work in a church, but I love parachurch ministry
  3. Adolescents: They are my people
  4. Work Hours: the time is pretty flexible
  5. The Environment: I have met some of the best people at my job
  6. Change: I get bored easily, everything is constantly shifting every day
  7. Potential: I like working in large organizations because there is a bevy of potential to cultivate
  8. Commute: it takes me 15 minutes to get to work
  9. Love: Star of Hope has an atmosphere of loving that I need
  10. Family: it is a place where I feel like I naturally fit in as I am

Day 9: Reading List

I have excluded my school books for obvious reasons

  • Romans
  • Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry
  • Half a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
  • Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

Day 8: Most Persistent Thoughts

I didn’t write this because, my thoughts are often inconsistent, but I will tell you what has been on my mind this evening. In Galatians, there is a call to “bear one another’s burdens”. When I have heard this phrase used, it was an admonition to share in the carrying of other’s burdens. The same way that Christ undertook the burden of sin from us.

However, my struggle is allowing people to carry it for me. I would let something crush me completely before, I called for someone to carry it for me. Carrying other people’s loads feels instinctual. Allowing someone to carry mine feels sick-inducing. I don’t know how to let people in because I don’t. Everyone is held by a tether where I slowly and incrementally draw them close, never knowing what minor mistake or mishap will release all the slack.

My most persistent thoughts are questions?

  • Why am I so resistant to letting people in?
  • How does someone allow others to share in their burden?
  • Is this the cause of my loneliness?