When I think of my body, the best I can do is not think aesthetically but functionally. If I keep myself concerned with the things my body can do, I never have to worry if it is pretty or beautiful or good. The problem with this is that there are some things my body cannot do. There have been many things people have said about bodies like mine. There are so many more things I have said about my own body.

Running is one of those things that I don’t expect my body to do. All, I can focus on is excess flesh just moving and how grotesque a sight that is for onlookers. Gravity becoming the immortal enemy of my physicality. If I am still enough, then I can maneuver around slowly enough for things to stay in place. It is all one big optical illusion of Spanx and slimwear and clothing in a size too big. It is weird to see the thoughts, I have displayed on a screen, but this is the reality where I reside.

From Tuesday to Wednesday, I had a case of insomnia. It wasn’t even that my mind was running. I literally just could not sleep. At 3:30am, I decided to go to the gym. Most times, I just walk on a treadmill, but in delirium, I decided to run. I ran for 5 minutes straight. I remained on the treadmill for 35 minutes and upon completion, I had run/walked a little over 2 miles. I hoped this would tire me out, but it only invigorated me. I did squats got in my car and departed, for a 4am drive through the city. By the time I arrived at work, I was tired enough to hide behind my desk for a 20-minute nap…..but I didn’t.

Today, I took a half day. I went to the gym and consciously decided, I was going to run. I began running for 7 minutes. At the end of 32 minutes, I had run/walked a little over 2 miles. 16-minute miles are nothing to brag about. In comparison to even the average runner (maybe walker), I am slow. BUT my body ran. It ran and it felt wonderful and it hurt. It is unfamiliar and fascinating.

I don’t really have goals or expectations for my body. I have worked towards a lifestyle that serves my body best. I have made some progress. I am hoping I can remain consistent. Today was just a day, where I just finished running, breathless and sweaty and smiled.

“Damn, I got some body.”


Minor Losses; Major Gains

Round 2 of Whole 30 for the year. My weigh-in date March 8. After another month of dieting and exercising, 2 pounds. I lost 2 pounds in 30 days. OVER IT! I near walked out of the YMCA. Then, I remembered, I still have 30 minutes worth of cardio and 30 of calisthenics to complete. This week, I have taken it light. Meaning, I haven’t returned to the gym since Monday. I am still Whole 30 appropriate and weirdly, I have eaten less (unintentionally) this week, than ever. Often times when I don’t get the results I want, in the time I want, I become sullen. I am not going to do that though. I am going to celebrate all the good this week offered.

So, I lost 2 pounds in a month. This week was the first time people noticed that I had lost weight. Which is super-duper encouraging. I, also, made it through an entire abdominal workout without looking like a beached whale trying to fling itself back into the ocean. Because no joke, the first time I did an abdominal workout, I looked and sounded like I was dying. My grunting workout noise is awful. When, I put on my pants, I actually see a nice curve between my waist and hips. I feel more confident about wearing a two piece to the beach this year. I have cured my Dunlaps Disease (when my stomach, dun lapped over my pants). My hormones are beginning to regulate (due more so to diet). I make better food choices. I have eaten Chick-fil-A 3 times this year. Which is a massive deal, especially since it is my favorite. I ran. I felt confident enough to audition for a run way show (didn’t get the casting…oh well). I have worked harder than ever before to take care of my body, not just eating well and exercising, but caring about my hair and face, and getting enough sleep.

Finally, last night, I went to community night at Lindyfest and danced from about 9 PM to midnight. Which is huge for two reasons. (1) Because last year, I had just got into partner dancing, and didn’t feel confident enough to go to Lindyfest. (2) For anyone who knows, the Lindy Hop it is probably one of the most athletic partner dances. While, I took a bit of breaks, I did dance for the majority of the time. Something, which would have been impossible last year when I began partner dancing.

So yeah, I lost two pounds in a month, by I have, by far, gained so much more.

My Body

I identify with my mind, more than my body. My body is never who I imagine it to be. When, I close my eyes, I see myself as this strong and feminine woman. My hair has naturally wavy curls. I’m a size 10. I have lean legs and the ratio between my bust and bottom are similar, with the midsection being smaller than what it is. I open my eyes. My hair is in disarray especially today, when even the strongest of headbands, cannot tame this disastrous mane. I am a size 18. I have horse calves and the ratio between my bottom, bust, and waist are pretty much the same. None of that matters today though.

Today, I ran a mile. Did you hear me? I RAN a mile. Never in my adult life have a run a mile.

God knowing my exhaustion was gracious enough to allow class to be cancelled. Giving me a 3 hour reprieve from the chaos of work and school. I immediately knew, the gym was going to be my venture. I have come to love cardio. I like mindlessly getting on a machine and reading or watching television or zoning out. It is easiest for me to be silent when my body is occupied. While, on the elliptical, I read through 1 Kings into 2 Kings, and paused to reflect and pray. 35 minutes quickly ended. I cleaned my machine and began to leave, when clearly I left the inclination to run a mile.

I believe this was the nudging of the Holy Spirit. I hate running. Yesterday, I said Amen, when someone else said they hated running at church. I hate everything about it. I love dancing and skipping and walking, but running can just die. I mean, I loathe it. So, I knew it wasn’t me telling me to run. However, I was obedient. I walked onto the treadmill and began to run. It was amazing, until I reach .2 miles. I slowed my pace, and then increased again. My chest burned. I slowed then increased. .95 miles remaining. I amped it up to 6 mph hour and just ran. Then, it was over. In 15 minutes, I had run a mile.

Today, I appreciate my delicate body, not so much for what it is, but more so for what it does for me.

Fat to Full-Figured in Fifty

I am smart. I love knowledge. I love in a manner in which its application reigns. What is the purpose of a theory if its application is never used. Even on days when, I say dumb things, I never lose confidence that I am smart. I am comedic. I don’t know if has come in my twenties or has always been there, but I love laughter and making people laugh. To share joy is beautiful. Joy is beautiful. Even on the days, when, it is hard to smile, I never doubt I am funny. I am loving. There is a well running deep within my soul from which I pull my love for others, and the Almighty Himself supplies the water to love people. This well runs so deep that my service to others is my mission field. Even, on days when it is hard to be around people, I love them.

All these beliefs lie inside of me. They are a part of my person. However, as I look at my eternal, I question much. Am I beautiful? Am I pretty? Am I attractive? Do I repulse men? I don’t know. My answer wavers. On good days such as today, I am sure that I am lovely, but there are times, when I can’t look in the mirror. There are times, when I take a photo and immediately I want to hide it or delete it. I don’t always feel good about my appearance. In fact, most days I don’t. However, I refuse to be a woman who whines rather than wins. So, I am doing something about it.

February 7, 2015 I will be attending a casting to be a runway model at Full-Figured Fashion Week (FFFW). I’ve been following FFFW for about three years. I love it. I remember being sixteen and sitting across from my mother at Copeland’s and telling her about my desire to model. It was lovingly shot down and for good reason at the time. I am older now, and I want to do it. At least I want to try. I don’t want to be a coward, and hide. I don’t want to hate my body anymore. I want to embrace it and love it and steward it.

I have 50 days until, I the 7th of February. Until then, I will be busting my ass to get my body from fat to full to figured. I am going to document this journey on my tumblr.

Right now, I am 265 pounds. I am 5’10”. I was on a diet of fast food for months. I have now cut out fast food with the exception of the occasional salad from Chick’fil’A. I am trying to go on walks daily and on Friday, I will begin a two week free pass at a gym where, I will lift weights. See, I know what I need to to, but I have been to scared to do it.

See, I am not doing this so men think I am attractive. I think the personality characteristics I have are enough for men to like me. I am not doing this to be popular or to have people tell me I’m pretty. I’m not even doing this to be in FFFW. I am doing this to attack a lie. I am doing this for me. It’s not a just a weight loss thing. It is a taking care of my hair. Going to the doctor. Getting my car fixed. Receiving a massage. The same way I love and nurture my spirit, soul, and mind is what I must do to my body.

I am not building an idol to me; I am keeping the temple in order.

To those who oppose me: COME AT ME.

To those who are with me: PRAY FOR ME.

Because either way, I am doing this.

Today, I took this picture, and just felt lovely.


The Aesthetics of Functionality

Anyone who knows me well, knows I have fluctuating body issues. One day, I hate my body; the next I’m all fat acceptance. In my desire to think of my life more pragmatically. I have decided to stop looking at my body aesthetically and look at it more functionally? Which begs the question: Does my body do what I want it to do? Does my body behave and react to well to what I put in it? Can my body handle my lifestyle or the lifestyle I want to have? If I can answer yes, than I should continue living the way I have lived. However, the answer is no, so what is the solution to make this a yes? Change.

Something I want my body to do is run a half marathon in March. My body cannot even run a 5k without wanting to pass out. So, I have decided to start running…..well walk/jogging to get my body to a place to where it can run a half marathon. It is not there yet, but it is better than where it was two weeks ago. IMPROVEMENT! I’ve done some research and they (doctors, nutritionists, healthy people) say that diet matter too. Who would have thought? Exercise AND DIET! Like peanut butter and jelly (which I will not be eating). However, as I look back on my life and think of the food I have eaten, there has only been on instance where I did in fact notice that the food I ate made me feel better. Oddly enough it was when I was doing a very specific fast. No land meat. No bread. No rice. No sugar (natural or processed). Only fish, fruits, veggies, complex carbohydrates, and eggs(because I cannot go without eggs). So….I’m going to do that.

Okay, just to touch on the emotional part of having a body that does NOT resemble what is seen as an attractive body. I came across this note on tumblr and it really sat with me.

When I realized that I am not my body, I became free.