A Breath

Blogging is breathing for me, and I haven’t taken a breathe in almost a month. Writing on WordPress is this weird four person conversation that I am both completely engaged and sort of disengaged.

I am talking to me. I am a thinker. I over analyze situations. I look for context clues in life and hidden meanings. I totally process and reprocess and reprocess. And, despite the copious amounts of the day I spend talking sometimes, I say absolutely nothing substantial. I jest and joke around and don’t allow the weight on my brain to unload. I go to bed frustrated with the same situations from the day. Writing is this purging of everything. I pray God keeps me honest as I write and breaks the backspace key. I am only as sick as my secrets. As of late I have none and am feeling pretty well.

I am talking with God. I am closest to God in these moments. I feel like I am one with the Holy Spirit when I write. There are posts where midway through I am overwhelmed with the love of God for me. So expansive and vast that all I could do was cry. However, there are moments where I am documenting my anger or frustration or downright sin and with immediacy God just convicts my heart and it hurts. It kills me. In those moments, I have to choose to keep on in my pride and sin or repent. I have done both. The latter is far better. Then there are those glorious moments my fingers are moving more rapidly than my mind and sentences form in the most marvelous of fashion. Those words are God’s. Creative as I attempt to be there are some posts that are God breathed. They are the ones I have to read once they are finished. They are the ones I return to when I am downtrodden. I love those moments.

I am talking to people in my life. Let’s be real here, I live in a small community. I don’t have time to sit here and lie about how I feel. Some times the words I rehearse over and over don’t get said. Here is where I place those words. I will never mention names, but typically these people know who they are. I refuse to believe people are that dense. I honestly believe people have adopted an “ignorance is bliss” mentality. So…yeah…I’m talking to you.

Lastly, I am talking to everyone. I believe that all posts I write are beneficial to some extent to someone. I have laughed, cried, learned, and loved in these posts. I believe people have done this with me as well. I wish I could engage with all the people who have read this blog. WordPress is awesome because it has statistics. Since starting my blog October of 2012 I have had people view it from all continents. People hear my words. I get to have a voice. I am breathing words.

So, after a month of no posts it seems as I am now ready to breathe again.

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Here in this Place

If you read through a couple of my blog posts (like the previous one) or have a heart-to-heart conversation with me, you will know I have had my lot of daddy issues. From hating the man to ignoring his existence to being here in this place with him, I have struggled greatly with the way that I relate to him, but all of that has taken an interesting turn recently.

September 17th, my and my dad had a conversation, where I let it all out. Many times, I have unsuccessfully attempted to do so. All ending in failure and frustration, but at the end of the conversation I said something to him that gripped both him and I. He often makes references to being the spiritual head of our family and how I should respect that. He talks about how he is without honor in his own home. Knowing God, intimately and personally, I take offense to both statements. One, because I honor him. My lifestyle brings honor to him. I am an African-American women, who has graduated from college with honors and without loans. I moved to Texas to work with people I have never met in my life and did extremely well. I was accepted into one of the top seminaries in the nation. My whole life revolves around how I can please the Lord. The one time I was drunk (and before some of y’all get ya panties in a bunch I realize bad choice), I kept screaming, “I’m so sorry, Jesus! Jesus is so ashamed of me.” So, the no honor thing just pissed me off. More than that I hated it, because that scripture (Mark 6:4) was used in a way to belittle me. And they did. I felt so little, but worse than feeling little I felt insignificant. I felt like everything God created me to be was pointless. And folks, that is a hellish place to be. But back to the conversation. I ended it with this phrase,

“If you want to have a relationship with me, you need to pursue me! Because that is exactly what God did for us. He didn’t ask me to meet him halfway or to pursue him. Because, HE is my Father and HE wanted a relationship with HIS child.”

After letting the tension settle, my dad agreed. He FREAKING agreed with me. I went into my room that night and bawled. I turned on a song called When I am Afraid by Laura Hackett and just cried. I don’t know why I was crying. The conversation ended as good as it could, but it was just one of those where I was overwhelmingly (and frighteningly) emotional. I haven’t thought much about it until today. Because, I realized something: I am worth pursuing.

I jokingly boast with friends that I am awesome, but oft-times I think of myself in relation to my deficits. I look at my left hand holding on to all the things that I assume make me lesser than some fictional other person. The biggest of them all being my body. Not simply just weight, but health issues that are out of my control. I would focus on them and just imagine, “How in the world am I going to present this to anyone? I’m so ashamed. Why would anyone even waste their time?” But in this time off I have had the time to concentrate on the abundance in my right hand. Oh my GOD (literally to God), the perspective. I don’t want to list them off, but the ways the LORD has blessed me far outweigh the pitfalls of being me. And it didn’t see that. I never noticed that and for that reason I am worth pursuing. Let me tell you why this is important.

I am the WORST at liking guys. I pick out guys based on my deficits. I say I don’t have a type, but I do. My (previous) type are nice guys with terrible decision-making skills. Typically, he is a well liked guy in a group of people, but he makes really really stupid decisions. More than that, I have always pursued these “nice-ish guys”. But I am not a tyrannosaurus looking for a partner so I don’t miss Noah’s Ark. I am a woman and I am awesome. I ain’t no Halle Berry, but let me tell you something Halle Berry ain’t no Tosin Akande. GOD has brought me to a place in our relationship where I am understanding myself a whole lot better, because I am understanding HIM a whole lot better. I am worth being pursued. I am worth being pursued because if God pursued me, then a man (the right man) can too.

I can’t believe that took 23 years to figure out.

So, if you are wondering about me and my dad. He is actually pursuing a relationship with me, but pray for me y’all. My heart very easily falls back into the bull it did before. I have forgiven my father. Forgiveness is a purposeful decision, but reconciliation is a whole new battlefield. Can I ask the readers of this blog to leave a prayer for me in the comment section or a message on Facebook that my heart would just soften towards my dad and I would just give him a chance. The way God is constantly giving me chances knowing I am a screwball.

Lord Jesus, here I am in this place. It is such a funny process walking with You. I always ask You to take me deeper than I could ever wander and You do. By the way, I meant physical location wise. However, this is much better than I had in mind. I never seem to know my destinations, but I get there and then everything just makes sense. I don’t ever think I said this before, but thank You for pursuing me. Thank You for thinking me worth the journey from perfection and holiness to sin and folly. Thank You for always loving me even when I never noticed and even when I didn’t love You back. You are so good to me. Thank You for this amazing journey. The past six years walking with You have been epic. Thank you for this month of reflection and recharge. Whether You send me to Mozambique or Sevilla or to Iran or Venezuela or to remain in Houston or return to Atlanta, thank You. My trust is in You alone, and as long as You are in my heart then I am home. I love you and Amen