I have struggled for a long time with being insecure and wondering if a guy would ever like me. AND if a guy would ever like me, why? I mean I cannot just have someone simply accept me for who I am. I am a lot of things, and liking me for no reason will drive me on a speedboat to insanity. Now, there were (and sometimes still are) times where I cannot fathom why guys would like me. Most were superficial reasons. I’m fat. Men like women with long hair. I am obnoxious. I talk to much. I am not domestic. I am not pretty. Sometimes, the reasons were valid. I am hostile to men. I am unnecessarily and completely distrusting of all men. I feel the need to dominate over them to remind them I am not inferior. No matter what the reason valid or invalid, I have kept men a disturbingly far distance from me. I think that time period is coming to a close though. You want to know how I know? Swing dancing.
I have taken several contra-dancing classes. Each and every time I have taken them, I get the same comment. “You dance well, but you need to let the man lead.” People don’t know how biting this comment is for me. Perhaps it is the distrust, but the idea that a man would lead me anywhere (even in dance) pissed me off, but also scared me…
My dad was a terrible leader of my family. He lured us into storms and often times was the thunder and lightning ripping fear and pain into our home. If I wasn’t being mislead, often times, I was not lead at all. Even in church as a child and a teenager, I could not look to leaders for guidance. With them I was cast under the shadow of my sister. Which is not her fault. She is awesome in several bazillion ways, but I am awesome in several bazillion other ways. No two apples on the same tree look alike. So, the fact I was often lumped into doing tasks I had no skill in (and more so no desire to do) killed me. Then there were the handful of guys I liked. It is one thing if two blind people fall into a ditch. It is another if I can see where this crapfest is going and still hop in…
So, essentially my distrust of men is both life’s fault and mine. Nevertheless, I don’t trust men at all. Well, at least I didn’t. So, onto the dance part. February 8, my friends Lori and Christeen invited me to go swing dancing at a tea shop. I love to dance. Seeing how seminary places a number of limitations of my personal recreational activities, swing dancing was going to happen. So, I went assuming two things. One, no man in here will ask a scrub (me, Tosin-scrub) to dance. Two, I am going to be terrible at swing dancing for reasons mentioned in paragraphs before this. Well, as God would have it, I was wrong on both accounts. One, the moment I sat down a man asked me to dance. I said yes. Two, I was not good at it, but I wasn’t because I wouldn’t let him lead. I was bad because I was nervous. Which is a total win. I have continued going to swing dance, faithfully every Saturday night. And with every passing week, I get better at it. Not only do I get better at it, but I feel better about myself and how I relate to men.
While, all those reasons may exist why men would not like me, let me inform myself on why they would. I am funny like on the verge of Mindy Kaling funny (’tis but another brown woman’s goal). I have put in the work to not carry the burden of having daddy issues. Does my father have issues? Yes. Do they lord over me. No. I work hard and adamantly seek out ways to make my community a better place for everyone. I am real. I am not attempting to present myself as anything better than what I currently am. I am loyal and can admit wrongdoing. I am imperfect, and most times I am okay with it. I want the best for others. I am tried and true to my personal convictions.
Most importantly to me, I love the Lord. My concern and love for His way and Him is the heartbeat and the arteries and the blood flowing through these veins. The conceptualization of someone so perfect making such a sacrifice for someone as lowly as me, both blows me away and breaks my heart. So, how else do I respond, but in a way that my life informs my world of this love and grace and honor and majesty He audaciously bestowed upon me. Tosin. Undeserving, unqualified, me. Stretching beyond my love for Christ, but knowing that the entirety of His sacrifice was funded in love for me. What?! So, if I trust in a God who knows even the parts of me I dare not place on a public domain, shouldn’t I even more so believe that there will be men who like me. Doesn’t that even seem more likely. And dare I say it, but one man, who will love me. And in loving me, his love will be a reflection of Christ. What!
Now, this is not a call for all men to like me. I don’t think they will. Truth be told, I just rub some people the wrong way…and that is fine. However, men will like me and now I know why.