grateful

Gratitude

It is late. You should never blog when it is late. However, I am compelled to write. Since authorial urges have diminished in recent months; I must write.

Compelled to organize my room, I push pins into the wall to hang my growing collection of necklaces. I am overcome with a deep sense acceptance. Often, in my life I have felt rejected. Even when accepted, I wait for that moment where the tides would recede and affections would cease. I wait for a joke to fall flat or an insult to go to far and everyone walking away. Classic middle child, I never fit into my family. Sometimes, I still don’t. Perhaps, that is for the best. When, not feeling rejected, I simply felt invisible. How could people ever see me? I could not even see me. I didn’t care if they saw me. I just wanted to be known. No one knew me.

I transferred these thoughts to God. God, who is personal, became, God: distant, obscure, hidden. I lay on my bed bellowing silent prayers, hoping He would see me. While fearing, that if He did, He would reject me. Pushing pins in the wall, I was reminded of that. I was brought back into that space of fear and sorrow. Maybe it was anxiety. Maybe the enemy. I cried.

As the tears began their descent, I quickly heard the Father tell me, “You are accepted.” Obviously, I cried harder. However, it wasn’t just that in this moment God told me He accepted me. It is the fact that God would change me so much. He accepted me and altered me…for the good. I am not who I was. That fourteen year old who felt like the ugliest and biggest joke is not who I am. I don’t identify with her.

Gratitude. At the end of this it is all I have. Gratitude.

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Loving Your Kids (aka: it has taken me 6 months to write this)

Foster parents are in an interesting predicament concerning the relationship you have with your children. You care for all of them. You provide for all their needs. You love them. Some you will love immediately; among, the first glance something within you will connect with that child, and you will be in love. Others you will grow to love them. As days pass and this child grows you will see the artistry of God in your kids. My job asks us to love these kids. I wish they just asked us to parent them. That would be worlds easier than loving them. Is it even possible to parent someone without loving them?

Loving my kids is hard. No, not because of behavioral issues, but because they are not my own. My kids get taken

Being a foster parent is different from being an adoptive parent and worlds away from being a biological parent. I feel the only thing foster parents and adoptive parents have in common is that the children are not biologically ours. Apart from that adoptive parents choose their children and are given time to get to know that child. In this foster care situation, I never know when I’ll receive a new child or have one taken away. Oddly, whatever the time frame you have a child you will love them.

It may be when the office calls and you meet them for the first time. Other cases, it is when you are packing their bags away. There is no child, I have had that I didn’t love at some point. Sometimes, the love is found in the time before bed, when we cuddle. It is found when crying with them. It is found in silly dances.  It is found on bent knees and folded hands as I lift them up to heaven. It is in tearful goodbyes and one last hug. I have found love twenty different ways. (quick tribute to my kids)

  1. I have found love in seeing a child struggle with hating themselves
  2. I have found love in a little one who was hated by her family
  3. I have found love in one who was simply beautiful
  4. I have found love in aggression
  5. I have found love in late nights and my name shouted with glee
  6. I have found love in a child who sleeps through the night
  7. I have found love in watching a baby grow into a toddler
  8. I have found love in a purple tutu and a kid who struts their stuff
  9. I have found love in a chunky child who got stuck in small places
  10. I have found love in a child who found a home
  11. I have found love in the question, “Why?”
  12. I have found love in Broadway level theatricality
  13. I have found love in a child who I could have run away with and who my heart will forever be broken for
  14. I have found love in a little baby chicken
  15. I have found love in a child who has simply flourished in the past two months
  16. I have found love in mischievousness
  17. I have found love in mood swings
  18. I have found love in attention seeking
  19. I have found love in two days
  20. I have found love in silly gestures and mannerisms

However. I find it wondrous to love children. I find it challenging to love them. I guess because in my head when I they are with me (even though they don’t call me mama) I am their parent. I am their mom. I want the best for them. At night I paint their futures in a sparkling array of adventures and accomplishments. I celebrate their accomplishments. I hang my head in heartache at their failures. I want them to be the best self that they can be.

As a foster parent you are continuously putting your heart out on the line knowing that the end will result in heartbreak. However, you will do it all again simply for the chance to love them.

Bunnies, Racism, and All Things Cute and Cuddly

***This blog post while not vulgar may be offensive. Please know it was not written for offense, but for clarity and understanding. My intentions were not to harm, but to open up a discussion with a stating of my perspective*** (more…)