I am currently researching a blog post that will probably end up being a page of its own. As i research, I am hitting blogger’s block a bit. I don’t really have anything creative to say. So, I will just purge all the trivial thoughts floating in my brain. I’m hoping it will clear up some space for other subjects.
In my second year at Casa de Esperanza work is less of work and more of my life. Being in Family Based Care (FBC) is NO joke. It is all the work, all the time. However, I feel like I am in a family. I care for my kids like their my own and I kind of live to just be with them. I get some time off every two weeks or so, however in that time I don’t know what to do with myself. I am a homebody through and through. I don’t feel the need to go out. I am actually content being in my room and writing or reading or dancing around with my blinds open. Seriously, though my blinds and windows stay open 72% of the time.
Also, it is an adjustment living in community with new people. Only three people are here from when I started, and all of them are in FBC. And one of the good/bad parts of FBC depending on who you ask is you are as engaged or disengaged with the people around you as you want to be. So at times, I feel like I am making the conscious decision to choose to engage with people. Lord, knows I hated going outside my first year here. So, now I’m outside as much as I can be. More than that, I think community is a beautiful thing. I love when it can be transparent and authentic. I believe community is worth the effort and worth fighting for. Threats to community will be dismantled. So, yeah basically I am learning to be the old person in a group of new people.
Also, I see my diligence slowing warping into being someone who is a bit anal and obsessive and feels the need to do everything. I think that is the hardest part of FBC for me. Because it is just me and one other person, we are responsible for EVERYTHING in this big seven bedroom three bathroom house. I don’t want to leave extra work for anyone. So, I just try to do everything so she can relax. When people are relaxed, I am relaxed. But honestly, I need to learn to let go a bit. I am one person. I can’t do everything. I can do most things, but I should learn to share most things.
I still love what I do.
The reality still hasn’t set into me that I start seminary in about a month. I can’t even believe I am in seminary. I can’t believe I attend a religious institution for school. I love the Lord so much and it drives me to know Him intimately, but it does not mean I have this Christian thing down at all. So, it is going to be interesting walking into class with people who are further along in their walk with Christ than me. And further along in so many other ways than me. The median age for seminary students is 33. I am 23. I am unwed. I have 4 kids. My occupation is often times unfathomable. I walk into class wide-eyed and so willing to learn. I know absolutely nothing, but the one who knows everything. So, yeah. Seminary. I’m playing with the big boys now. Also 69% of the school is male. So, literally playing with the big boys now.
Aside from the emotional parts of school there is also the financial side I am concerned about. I have a payment plan for this first semester. Lord, knows I REFUSE to take out loans for anything. I would rather live humbly and pay this off then have loans burdening me for years to come. Still praying I find my scholarships and people who want to sponsor me as I go to school. Then, I need a car for school. I need a car. Still believing for a miracle on that one. In the meantime, I will become acquainted with the Houston metro system. Also, if you are reading this and feel the sudden urge to sponsor me through seminary or buy me a car, don’t second guess it just do it. LOL. Actually pray on it and ask the Lord what He would have you do. And most importantly please just pray for me. Seminary is as much as a spiritual journey as it is an academic one.
To end this section on a lighter note. I have decided after orientation on January 11th, I am taking myself back to school shopping to find some cute clothes for school.
I have them.
I have read a lot of books on post modern/post Christian America and I love it. The words I read have been my hearts cry for years. I don’t know how this blends with my life ministry, my relationship with Christ, and where I am now, but I love it. I have loved tackling issues I have warred with constantly such as: Christianity and social justice, religion and politics, gender and Christianity, and more social issues.
I love that the more I learn about the Jesus I love, the more the Holy Spirit shapes my biblical worldview into something that is engaging and interactive. With that, I know I need to spend more time with Jesus. In my desire to be cerebral sometimes, I lose the emotional and personal reliance I have with Jesus. Sometimes, I see God the way I see my relationship with men. I like them but I don’t need them. However God is not even comparable to man. I love Him and I need Him.
Personally, I am kind of in a nice lull. I am enjoying the time I have to stay in because I know change is coming soon dressed in full-time parent and full-time student. While this blah stage is daunting at time, I look forward to the challenges ahead of me. I look forward to the people I will meet and the connections I will make that will shape my life. I am getting to the place in the story God wrote for me where I can’t see what is on the next page so it is a surprise to me. And I like it…most days.
My Lord, this life You have for me is kind of nuts. I love it though. I would not change it for a second. I look at how You have shaped me and my life and I am grateful. I am thankful for the prayers that were made on my behalf. I am thankful that I work and live in community with the most amazing women on the planet. I am thankful for my kids and co-parent. I am thankful for these letters and these words and this very breath.
I cannot even grasp Your sovereignty. You are so in control of everything. Even when I am spinning out of control. You have the galaxies to orchestrate on a second by second basis and still You have an abundance of time to hear my prayers and to be with me. I am so lowly. My heart is David’s cry to you, “What is man that You are mindful of Him and the daughter of man that You would visit me?” My heart is so humbled and heavy.
In all my adoration of You, be with me still. Allow me to just rest in You and trust in You. Lord, SERIOUSLY, I have NO SLIGHT INDICATION of what is on the next page, but I trust You. In my question asking I trust You. I lean on You always.
Lord, guide my heart and tune my ears.
Love you endlessly. In Jesus name,