If you haven’t noticed lately; I am flawed. My blog posts are nothing more than reflective verbalizations of these flaws and insecurities. As much as I wish to be rid of them, I can’t. Well, I can, but not in the “here today, gone tomorrow” sort of way. All riddings are workings by way of the Holy Spirit. My most recent apparent flaw is that I suffer from being a romance conspiracy theorist. I think most women are. I think I placed a lot of blame on men that I have crushed on for hurting me, but often times I hurt myself. Women (rightfully) argue not to be sexually commodified. However, women often romanticize men, in a manner that is hurtful. I’ve romanticized men in a way that was hurtful. We place these unrealistic stipulations on them. We want them to long for us like Noah (on the Notebook), to fall in love with us like Landon (from A Walk to Remember), and to sacrifice for us like Jack (on Titanic). I am not a man, but I assume that it is a lot of pressure on them. Especially, since men are diverse and their attempts of romance may appear radically different from these fictive caricatures. We have these absurd and bombastic princess-complexes or muse complexes where we are the apple of a man’s eye and his life’s mission is to please us and love us as he carefully walks on a tightrope between romantic and obsessed.
I don’t personally think I have a princess complex. Since, I have been 13, people have described me as intimidating. As an adolescent, I was rather brutish, but as an adult I am becoming comfortable in my skin. My skin is a rich deep brown. My hair coils like springs and wires. I am size 16 (and going down btw…only to a 12 or 14 though…I never want to be skinny). My thighs will always be inseparable companions rather than rare acquaintances. I like people. I like to make people laugh and saying absurd things. I am kind. I am smart. I am important. If anything, I have a prime minister complex. But, honestly, this paragraph is unnecessary, but I am not going to delete it.
As a consumer of these unrealistic schemas, I have learned something. These films create false symbols of what to expect from men, that lead to misinterpretation of their behaviors. And eventually, leads to a sense of disappointment in men. In fact, women are taught (or maybe programmed?) to attach ridiculous meaning to things men do. I have fallen victim to this. I say victim passively. I choose what I consume, because as we passively become victims, we actively become perpetrators. In fact, I have known I was a “victim” since 2011. I wrote this on Tumblr, 3 years ago.
I have this unhealthy habit of thinking that any man who…
comments on a picture of me
talks to me
looks at me
- smiles at me
- hangs out with me
- touches me
- sings with me
waves at me
dances with me
- jokes around with me
- compliments me
breathes in my general direction
or just simply acknowledges my existence
is in love with me and will be the ONE.
I know it is a lie, but all those student Disney movies and rom-coms screwed me over. This crap is ridiculous.
I know this is rather dramatic This is more than dramatic, but it is honest. I was so desperate for some affection, that I consistently allowed myself to befall the perils of false romance. I am proud to state that the one’s that are crossed off are one’s I have gotten over. As you notice, there are still a number, I am working on. Some are easier than other, but I am futile in my cognitions.
I am the perpetrator. When, I assume, “men only do kind things for me, because they like me”…I underscore their natural inclination to be kind with no ulterior motive. I don’t know why this broke my heart, but it did. Not to make excuses, but most guys don’t do things that are particularly nice for me or to me. The men in my life are cordial, but random acts of kindness are unusual. So, anything that deviates from the typical expectations, puts me on alert. I know it is wrong. I know I am wrong.
Worse than this, in taking a kind man’s goodness and derive these deep meaning from it, leads to the conclusion that he is smitten by me. As if one plus one equals ten thousand..It sounds absurd when described this way. Doesn’t it? Sigh. I think this is an imago dei issue. BOO.
So, I just want to apologize. I am sorry to all the men, that I have crushed on because you were kind to me. I am really not this awkward; I am just unfamiliar to men displaying kindness to me. Lately, I have been asking the Holy Spirit to renew my mind concerning my conspiracy theorist ways.
God, forgive me for the exploitation of men. Forgive me for placing these ridiculous standards on them and then condemning them for not meeting them. Forgive me for not seeing a Christians man’s kindness as an extension of Your kindness. Lord, You know my weakness. You know my desires; You know how polluted they are. Begin to renew my mind. Remind me that these men are my friends. Remind me to lift them up before Your throne. Forgive me for allowing my mind to wander into a sinfulness that only brings sadness. Help me to think rightly about men. Help me to have discernment in my friendships and relationships with men. God, if I brought about any hurt to a man, please forgive me and heal them.
Lord, but also allow me to be receptive without expectations. Give me wisdom concerning relationships…because I need it. Well, Lord, because I am an idiot concerning these things…we both know it is true.
Welp, there is another life lesson.