I love God. It is more than just a forced devotion to a set of ideological beliefs. With utmost confidence, I know I love God. For me God has existed longer and more personally than I can count. So, when I left the church, I knew I wasn’t leaving Him. What I didn’t know was…
self-preservation 8
Yesterday, in therapy, we began going through the timeline of moments of impact in my life. We began with the time, I beat a kid up for making fun of me. My therapist asked me to visualize myself at 7 after the event and this is what I saw. She was sitting by herself in…
self-preservation 7
My therapist asked me to create a timeline of my life. It is meant to include meaningful moments and is supposed to help her understand my journey. What an extremely painful activity. There is part of me that wonders if it might be helpful to share this timeline with close friends in hopes of being…
self-preservation 6
After stressful seasons in life, I have found it helpful to alter the placement of things in my home. There is a wisdom to disrupting your own patterns. It is something I can control. I get to tell my routines, they serve me anymore and disregard them with contempt or ambivalence. I have also learned…
self-preservation 5
I have been fighting exhaustion for weeks and every time, I feel a sense of momentum, I move too quickly and stumble again. However, there is no clear way to explain that over the past 3 months, your heart feels both removed and battered. I am grieving one dream while trying to move towards another….
self-preservation 4
There are two types of self-preservation. The first keeps you from feeling anything. It isolates you, so you never have to engage with the thing that might harm you. The second heals you. It covers you, so you are brave enough to face what scares you in due time.
self-preservation 3
I don’t know if time heals all wounds, but sometimes distance helps. I feel a scab on my emotions and maybe the numbness was just a cell block around something unbearably tender. In the scab’s formation, I have become curious about my own wants. Why am I so reactive? It feels easier to dance around…
self-preservation 2
Could I actually be okay leaving him alone forever? As I suggested to go no contact with each other, the crying and frustration were felt. They were real. Now, I don’t feel anything. I have erased him from my mind and patterns and wonder if it is repression or enlightenment. Maybe numbness is our body’s…
The Nonlinear Life 